Underneath The Smile, The Pain Resides

THE GIRL

Arrived a gemini with a great deal of divided personalities. For one thing, I can laugh at one moment and be upset the next. But Im not the hardest person to get along with, certainly. I came to be me on 10th June 1991. Spent the last nighteen years of my life in attempts to piece myself together, and is still desperately trying. Family and friends are my life. At least that's the way it is till a boyfriend comes along XD Anyway, icecream's my addiction, my medicine, my must-have. Now you know how to make me happy. I dont need expensive gifts I just want a true heart. I'm majorly affected by the people around me. Can't say if it's a blessing or a curse, 'cause the little things people do can either make my day or simply make it worse. Just give me a smile, and I'll return one to you^^

KimJaeJoong: My Prince, MY Love, MY JAEBABY

LEAVE

2E1`05 4E1`07
NUS NURSING
BUDDY
AIKSONG
BEETENG
BOONYANG
CHUANLIANG
DINGSIAN
CINDY
ERVIN
GUOTING
HONGJIE
HUILI
IRA
JEAN
JINWEN
JINXIAN
JINYI
JOCELYN
JUNRI
KARYAN
KELLIE
LUTING
MADELEINE
MINGHAO
OLIVIA
QIAN
REUBEN
SAMANTHA
SHAWN
SHENN
SHIQI
SHIRLEY
SOOKYING
STELLA
TAOYAN
TOMMY
VANICE
WEIFANG
WEIJIE
WEIXIAN
WENDY
XUANXIN
YANGMENG

DOWN MEMORY LANE

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TALK TO ME

CREDITS

DESIGNER: ice angel

Brushes: aethereality.net

Thursday, May 24, 2012

As I awoke yesterday morning,
everything felt as if it had merely been a dream,
that the events of the past few days had not occurred at all.
But when reality sinks in,
it hits me that they did happen,
and there's no running away from it,
no matter how much I try not to think.
My family lost someone precious to us last Friday morning.
I can still remember the rush of emotions running through my body as I received the message from my mother.
"Dear, popo has just passed away."
Those 5 words hit me like an earthquake,
I could no longer hear what the staff in the ward was saying.
And the rest of the day in the ward was spent in disbelief and pain.
At that point of time I was filled with more frustration than sadness.
Frustrated that here I was,
caring for some other people instead of being there for my own grandmother.
Frustrated that my commitment in work has to tie me down.
Frustrated that no one could really understand my position.
And more so,
frustrated that I didn't get a chance to be there when she left.
And I know that frustration will remain there for a long, long time.
The following days were very vague to me now that I think of it.
Everyday was spent at the wake,
attending to the guests,
staying with my grandmother,
for the last time.
Several church services were held across the 4 days,
and on Tuesday,
my grandmother laid in peace underneath the grounds of CCK cemetery.
It is a very peaceful site of burial,
the weather was exceptionally good.
It was a very windy day,
and the colourful windmills around her grave were spinning,
and they look very much like the flowers my grandmother loved.
As she was laid to rest,
there was no doubt feelings of grief and tears.
But as the pastors said,
"She has gone to a better place,
a place without her aches and pains,
a place without sadness or tears,
a place not held back by her physical body,
and most of all,
a place where she can be with the Lord for all eternity."
So,
it's not goodbye,
because we will see her again,
one day.
And when that day comes,
I'll be able to tell her everything I should have said,
I'll be able to taste the sweetness of her cooking again.

These 4 days hadn't been easy,
not only for me,
but for the entire family,
including friends of my grandmother.
But it would have been more difficult if not for the friends around me.
I'm thankful for the friends who showered me with words of comfort and encouragement over the 4 days,
and Shuhuey,
who took time out to come and pay respects to my grandmother even though there's shift the next day.
Thankful for Mei who comforted me in words that I never thought she would say.
"It is by God's grace that I am able to live so long, if God wants me to remain here, I will be here.
If God calls me home, I would go too."
These are the words she quoted from a 97 year old patient in the ward.
He has called my grandmother home,
and I know that He's now taking care of her.
Till the next time we meet again,
I'll miss you popo.

Dear Father in Heaven,
I thank you for all the times you've taken care of my grandmother here on Earth,
that in times of sadness, You were there to wipe her tears;
that in times of sorrow, You were there to strengthen her.
Thank you for taking away her pain,
that she no longer needs to be restrained by the limits of her physical body.
Thank you for letting her be my grandmother,
that I may get to know someone as wonderful as she is.
And thank you for the hope,
the hope that one day,
I may get to see her again,
right at the gates of heaven.
Amen.

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Friday, May 11, 2012

THE FIRST WEEK OF ATTACHMENTS...
After 5 days of readjusting to a new routine,
I've finally come to the end of Week 1.
This whole time,
many thoughts ran through my mind and are still running through my mind.
For the first week I was posted to the OT (operating theater)
and this is one of the postings that really set me thinking.
人是多么的坚强,
但人也可以那么的脆弱...
Perhaps I'm not able to fully understand,
but as I watch them lie on that table,
prepared to undergo the surgery,
ready to let go and entrust their lives onto the hands of others,
onto the hands of people they are unfamiliar with,
people they've never met and probably wouldn't meet again,
I couldn't help but feel sorry.
The first person who came into my mind was my mum.
It was like watching her being pushed into the room all by herself,
surrounded by strangers speaking with terms she's never heard before.
Everyone's busy playing their own roles,
and nobody must have understood how she must have felt there in that room,
how much she had needed a hand,
to show her that there's still warmth in the place she's in,
or some words of comfort.
How I wish I could be there,
for her,
and for my patients then.
But I could only stand there,
without any means to show comfort,
not even a reassuring smile because I had to wear a mask.
I never want to experience that kind of helplessness again,
which is the reason why I would probably not want to work in the OT.
On a brighter note,
I kind of enjoyed my attachment this week(:
The people I'm working with are awesome,
our CI gave really great guidance and the environment itself was pretty good as well.
So I'm really glad(:

This is us dressed in our OT uniform haha XDD
Thankful to our awesome CI and for the friends who have been my pillar of support for the past week and will continue to be my pillar of support for the next 6 weeks.
Thank you for showing me once again the importance of team work and unity,
I'm blessed to be part of a team where we can work and go crazy together(:
Looking forward to more good times in the coming 6 weeks.
Till then
everyone have a great weekend!(:

Anyways,
despite the tiredness I feel after each shift everyday,
I'm satisfied with the way things are in my life now and am happy.
Like they said,
知足常乐.
Even if I don't have everything I want,
I have everything I need,
and I guess that's about it.
Shall go back to watching my TMTETS (again) heheh XDD
I need to chill too lol.
That's all folks,
annyeong!^^

-With All My Heart, Alina ;