Underneath The Smile, The Pain Resides

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

I watch her,

as she wanders on this earth, so aimlessly.

I watch her,

as she grows up, not knowing all that she can be.

I watch her,

as she stumbles and falls so frequently.

I watch her,

as she struggles so desperately.

I watch her,

as she cries herself to sleep.

I watch her,

as her heart bleeds.

By right I ought to be sleeping right now.

Yet my mind seems to have other plans for me.

Only a while ago I was laughing and beaming with happiness.

Yet right now I feel as if all that laughter was built on emptiness.

If only it's just a mood swing,

if only those feelings would come back knocking.

But in fact everything's just so temporal,

and I was wrong to be holding on so tightly,

so tightly onto everything,

when deep down I know that no matter how tightly I should hold,

one day everything's still gonna end and I'm gonna have to let go.

I really shouldn't put too much meaning into life.

Ultimately,

life is but a dream...

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Long, long day, but still...
I had fun(:
Today began as early as 5am when I woke up feeling all lost and confused,
as usual.
Despite sleeping early (10.30pm) the night before,
it did little to alleviate my sleepiness.
In fact,
I felt even more tired than I would be in nights when I slept later.
Met Mei at the busstop at our usual 6.30 timing and headed to school,
sleeping all the way from the moment we boarded till the time we alighted.
Reached school at a record-breaking 7.12 this morning and decided that we had too much time on our hands that we can take our time,
like seriously.
First lesson of the day was Bahasa Indon.
Thanks to the dinner that I did not have yesterday,
I was suffering from bad cramps throughout lesson.
Mei could tell I wasn't feeling too well by the time lesson was about to end.
Was breaking out in cold sweat and the hairs on my arms were literally standing.
Felt extremely unwell :X
Bought a cup of milo during break to ease the cramps >.<
Didn't want to eat much for fear that my stomach acts up again,
but sweet Mei went to get my fav yam bao for me :DD
Ate and probably cause of Mei's love,
I felt alot better hahaha XDD
After break Mini drove us back to Science where we had our second lesson which was P&P lect.
Spent 2 hours racking my brains about the topic 'brains' and went out of the lt feeling brain dead at the end of the lecture.
Spent another 2 hours in tutorial trying my best to keep awake.
Finally when lesson ended I was almost dead,
until Mei and I went to Just Acia to have lunch.
Lol.
See food only can run like 10km liao XDD
Had an indulgent meal comprising of Aglio Olio, free-flow drinks and the best being free flow icecream :DD
I just love it at Just Acia!
Not only is the food good,
the environment's conducive too :DD
Tan meimei even fell asleep halfway through while hardworking me continued with the editing of my essay >.<
So another 2 hours or so passed peacefully(:
Left Just Acia at 5 plus to head to Arts for our Bahasa Indon cultural night.
The presentations tonight were entertaining and I had fun interacting with new friends and getting to know even more people through these people.
After a well-ate dinner with the coursemates,
we left for home in Mini's car(:
Thankfully Mini could drive us back,
or I'd probably reach home at 10 plus instead of 9.
And that marks the end of my Friday!^^
Had a really great time with Tan meimei today(:
It's been a while we got to spend so much time together haha,
even more than the time spent in a single shift ohmytian XDD
I love my tan meimei hahaha :DD
Anyway I'm just done with the 2nd editing of my essay and shall head to bed now.
Gotta wake up early tomorrow to go for round 3 T.T
Goodnight everybody!^^

P.S Didn't want to write this here initially but somehow it kinda bugs me if I'm gonna keep it in.
Honestly I really don't know if 你是真不懂还是假不懂,
I know that considering our relationship I shouldn't be thinking this way,
but it's also because of our relationship that I find it even more shocking and disappointed that you'll say something like that.
How can you be expecting others to treat you the way you don't treat others?
It's like demanding the respect you don't give in the first place.
You leave me with nothing to say, really.

But then again who am I to care haha XDD
As a friend there's only so much I can do.
Shall retreat into my 被窝 for tonight.
Till next time,
take care everyone!^^

P.P.S I'm in love with Chris Rene's song,
Young Homie~
Love Life! :DD

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Can't believe I'm blogging in the midst of doing all these essay shit.
Can't remember when was the last time I slept or how sleeping actually feels like.
Everyday has been so fast paced.
Wake up early in the morn,
spend a whole long day in school,
come home,
chiong work till the wee hours of the night,
sleep without knowing I did,
and there goes another routine of my life right now,
a life with a medical sociology essay to complete T.T
Come to think of it,
I'm so very thankful that I did not get into FASS then.
If I have to be facing sociology papers for 3 years I think I'll have to end up hanging myself before I even graduate.
Sociology by itself is madness.
Sociology on a medical level is madness beyond explanation.
Even though some of my very hardworking peers are done,
I also know of a lot who are struggling very hard right now,
along with me,
into the dead of the night,
draining every single bit and drop of brain juice left in our already exhausted brains T.T
But still,
I'm glad I'm not that behind time.
Even though lately the schedule's been tight and all,
I'm living a rather fulfilling life,
or rather there's no time for me to think otherwise.
Anyways I had a Cousins' gathering last Saturday!
It was such an awesome session and also because of it,
we got closer as a family(:
I'd post some pics soon!^^
But it's also because of this that I missed Char's birthday :(
From the photos on FB I guess she enjoyed herself just as much^^
And I hope she had received the card I sent last Friday! Kekeke XDD
Ahh alrighty blogging at a time like this does nothing but drain my brain further,
shall end here then.
Goodnight everyone!
Sleep well(:

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Good morning world(:
As some of you may know,
and for those who don't,
I've been really busy lately.
To be exact,
my life has been thrown into a roller coaster ride ever since 1st March, last Thurs.
What a way to start off a new month.
I was home studying for my upcoming Patho&Pharmaco Test on Fri when my phone rang.
Dad called and told me that mum was sent to NUH A&E on an ambulance from her workplace due to breathlessness and blackouts.
There were so many thoughts running in my mind I didn't know what to think.
The first person I thought of calling was Meihong,
and being the very calm person that she is,
she advised me on what to do and of course calmed me down as well.
The idea of studying suddenly drifted off someplace really faraway,
and the rest of the afternoon was spent spamming calls to my dad and bro to find out more about my mum's condition.
The doctor decided that she needed to be admitted and that her breathlessness resulted from a heart condition but could not come to a specific diagnosis,
hence the admission,
cause she needed to stay for observation.
I couldn't head down to hospital because I had to pick Alicia up from school since she was still using crutches,
and also partly due to the fact that I still had to study,
plus the chores at home needed to be settled as well.
Thursday passed by with me not knowing what to do.
A part of me understands the fact that I have to carry the burden of my mum not being around and look after the younger ones,
but another part of me can't help but feel helpless without my mum.
I finally understood what the teachers mean when they lectured about "Blaming the victim".
I realized that when that feeling of helplessness was too overwhelming for me to bear,
I began to blame my mum for not taking care of herself well enough,
and always trying to push herself beyond her limits.
So when Friday came everything was in a mess.
I was late for my morning class,
Alicia forgot her water bottle,
dad didn't even get to eat a decent breakfast.
It hit me not how much we needed our mum around at home,
but how much responsibilities she had.
It is not easy having to run a family,
having to look after everything at home and work at the same time.
I had more respect for my mum more than anyone else.
She isn't superwoman,
because I believe superwoman wouldn't be able to handle the things that my mum does.
So needless to say,
I did badly for my P&P test.
I had anticipated that outcome,
but it did not stop the sadness from setting in.
I was affected by it for the entire weekend T.T
Went to visit my mum after school that day.
We didn't have the opportunity to talk much cause Pastor Peter was there when I arrived and when he left,
her colleagues came.
It wasn't until 8 plus at night when we had some time to our own.
I couldn't look into her eyes because inside of me there were still the feelings of "Blaming the victim",
I was angry that she landed herself into such a situation,
and I know I shouldn't be.
Finally before we left I cried.
I guess all the pent up anger, helplessness, and sadness could only be expressed with tears.
But it was a form of relief nevertheless,
and the tears kept streaming down for a good one hour.
Surprisingly I felt a whole lot better after that,
like a stone was lifted off my chest,
even though there were still other pebbles lying around,
but at least I was emotionally capable of handling things again.
Arrived home at around 11 plus that night and slept early in preparation for another long day the next day.
The whole of Saturday was spent in hospital as well,
with a failed attempt at studying cause my relatives came over.
Had dinner with my aunts and uncles and they drove us back.
Returned home slightly earlier that day as there was church the next day.
Attended church on Sunday morning and left for hospital to pick my mum up.
She was finally DISCHARGED!!! ^^
In the end the doctors concluded that it was pericarditis which is an infection of the sac that encloses her heart.
She was given an antibiotics regime and we left together for home!^^
We could all finally get a good rest(:
Woke up early Monday morning to prepare breakfast for my parents :DD
In the past I always thought that housework was a hassle and because mum was there to do them,
we didn't see the need,
nor the pleasure in doing them.
But when I actually tried doing them on my own,
I actually like them(:
I think this is what it's like being in a family,
to help out equally and contribute equally(:
Of course,
Andy and Alicia were very cooperative and Andy especially,
behaved much like the man of the family.
So we enjoyed a day of peace at home on Monday.
When all seemed to be going well again,
another drastic event happened.
I returned to school on Tuesday and in the middle of lunch my phone rang again.
This time it was my mum on the other side.
She was crying as she told I needed to be prepared.
I was damn shocked when she said that.
After trying to calm her down she told me that Alicia was admitted for appendicitis.
Okay even though it is not a good thing to be admitted,
appendicitis isn't a very severe condition.
Thankfully I had the knowledge to know that it's not a serious issue and could reassure my mum.
But even so I couldn't help but feel that life is so sad.
It's like my mum was just discharged and now my sis is admitted >.<
Went to visit her in the evening after school and saw my parents, Andy, my aunt and 2 of my cousins.
Alicia looked really sick and couldn't really hear properly what I said.
She was pushed into the OT later in the evening and we left for home.
Being the overly anxious mother that she is,
my mum was constantly worried that night.
Finally the call from hospital came around 10 plus 11.
Doctor said that the surgery went well and there probably wouldn't be any complications.
Everyone was relieved and we went to sleep.
Mother woke up early Wednesday morning and we had breakfast together.
While I left for school she left for hospital.
Wednesday was another long school day for me,
but also a happy one^^
Went to visit Alicia after school to find my mum sleeping haha XDD
Alicia looked slightly better but due to the GA she was still drowsy.
Bisbox came by afterwards and brought me to have dinner.
Bought back food for mum, and Bisbox and I left for school to study for another test on Friday.
Just arrived at school and my mum called again to say that there's many visitors and she couldn't handle so I had to walk back to the ward again.
Was pleasantly surprised to see my aunt and Aunt Mary, as well as Alicia's friends at YF around in the ward(:
Aunt Mary is someone I haven't met for a long time and I'm very happy to see her again!
She's still as sweet and loving as I remembered her to be(:
My aunt and Aunt Mary left early and I entertained Alicia's YF friends.
They were very nice people and I'm happy that Alicia has such good friends at YF(:
Sent them to have dinner afterwards before going back to school to study again.
It was already 8 plus by the time I got back and it wasn't long before we left and I met my mum again to cab back home.
So Wednesday ended with me staying up late to make a birthday card for Alicia(:
Thursday came and HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALICIA!^^
Even though this year's alittle special such that she's spending in the hospital,
we wanted her to feel the love nonetheless.
My parents left for hospital first in the morning while Andy and I headed there in the afternoon,
after lunching at JP and collecting her cake, and buying her a foil balloon to cheer her up(:
Arrived at the hospital around 2 plus.
My cousins and Alicia's YF friends were there and so we celebrated Alicia's birthday together.
Although it was celebrated in the hospital,
I think it's one of the best because it was the first time she's spending it with our cousins and her YF friends.
Alicia was looking a lot a lot better then,
and she could even walk to the toilet already heheh(:
Went back earlier with Andy and my cousins cause I had to study (again) for my test the following day.
Andy was really sweet to be accompanying me to study for my test until past midnight.
Because I never really prepared for it I was rather stressed.
Thankfully I had until Friday 6pm before my test and used the time to study.
Alicia was finally discharged on Friday 12pm!^^
Parents went to pick her up early in the morning while Andy and I got a good sleep haha XDD
Alicia was alot better and we were all glad that it was over^^
Thankfully my test went pretty okay too(:
Although I wouldn't say I owned it,
I'm just glad that I could finish it on time and there weren't too many regrets(:
So Friday ended just as pleasantly(:

Today,
finally I have the time to sort out my work and reorganize my life.
Looking back,
the past 9 days were a heck of a period,
not just for me but also for my family,
and even for some of my friends.
Despite these 9 days being a difficult time,
a part of me is actually thankful that it happened.
Maybe many would regard this as a "suay" event,
but I honestly don't think there's anything called "suay" in life.
Everything happens for a reason and I'm not saying I'm not sorry that it happened,
but there's always a flip side to a coin.
Because of these,
we became closer with our relatives,
and those who we hardly interact with in peaceful days.
It proves once again the importance of unity within a family and I'm very thankful that although we are not rich,
and obviously not very healthy,
but we are a happy unit.
I believe that trials can make us stronger and better people.
I'm also very thankful to the friends who stood by me during these 9 days because if not for them,
I probably wouldn't have made it,
at least not with such optimism and strength.
Thankful for Meihong, Daphne, Shuhuey, Bisbox and the many others who sent their regards and also took good care of me.
Especially Mei and Daph who took the time to send me messages everyday to ask about how I'm doing and would buy lunch for me even though I said I'm not hungry(:
Thank you the both of you who offered me encouragement and strength through,
and Daph who would listen to me rant about how stressed I am with the tests and how sad I was when I couldn't do well for P&P.
Thank you(:
Thankful for the relatives who showered us love and concern throughout,
thankful that this is an opportunity for us to bond and get closer(:
Thankful for Alicia's friends at YF and the friends at church for their prayers and regards(:
Thank you also for the time taken to visit and celebrate her birthday together at the hospital(:
Thankful for the family as amazing and strong as ours,
thankful for the father who is our pillar of support and source of courage.
Thankful for the mother who is beyond the strength of superwoman,
thankful for the brother who is there to create laughter admidst the weariness and tension.
Thankful for the sister who,
even though has undergone so many trials,
have never given up(:
Lastly but most importantly,
Thank the Lord who brought us through everything.
Thank You for the faith and for bringing the family back as one today.
Thank the Lord that even though I hadn't prepared much for my tests,
I could still finish my paper and I know I could have fared worse.
Without the Lord, nothing is possible,
and with the Lord, nothing is impossible.

-With All My Heart, Alina ;