Underneath The Smile, The Pain Resides

Friday, July 30, 2010

Emptiness.
that's what im feeling now.
in fact, that's the only feeling i have now.
but if i can feel empty, how can i be empty?
so is this how emptiness feels like?
hollow and bare?
nothing but a burning hole in the chest?
or is this just heartache?
i can't tell anymore.
i feel myself drifting away,
and i am beginning to accept that it is a good thing.
at least this way, i feel protected, my mind secured.
and lately i realised that your tears should be the last thing you want your enemies to see.
cause that's the weakest side of yourself you'll ever know.
and i swear that it'll be the last.
i wouldnt cry again in front of you even if it means biting my lips for it.
it's a side meant to be known to only those i love most.
and you just aint one of them.

regarding my previous entry,
i honestly don't know if i've done the right thing.
was i being too unreasonable to feel that way?
should i just look away and consider whatever you're doing as just,
since everyone wants to settle for the best?
one thing's for sure, one little gesture and i feel burdened with guilt towards you.
i'd rather you give me reasons to hate you further.
but another thing, i am going soft but you're still not a friend.

im becoming increasingly unhappy at home.
i feel angry.
i feel lonely.
but you're not the one i want to speak to.
ahh whatever.
there are a few things i really really need now.
i need my pay (like desperately)
i need my buddy (although it's not gonna happen soon:( )
i need peace.
and i need my sleep.
so, im going off to bed now.
goodnight then people(:

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Thursday, July 29, 2010

what will you do if today was your last?

for some reason i cannot and will not state here,
i've been feeling really really down these days.
i think if this goes on,
im gonna have to take anti-depressants:(
i know many people are concerned.
and i feel really guilty about it.
i honestly isnt trying to grab attention or whatever
(like someone does, so very often)
i just wanted a channel to vent if not all, a part of, the shit im feeling right now.
come to think of it,
i am a hypocrite myself, and a pretty darn one.
i've got to pretend that we can be friends when i truly wish you never existed in my life.
i've got to pretend to smile with you when deep down i feel heartache whenever you are around.
why do you have to be so discontented
why do you have to come into the picture
you selfish, selfish girl.
im really sorry:(
if i could, i would reveal the truest side of myself to everyone, friends, foes, everyone.
but the world is a harsh one.
where there is truth, there are lies.
where there is happiness, there is pain.
where there is the sun, there will be rain.
and in my world, it's the monsoon season.

you wouldn't understand,
so i had better not waste my breath.

i'd tell you you're the one i want to spend it with, even beyond death.

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

I Believe You.
it's a novel introduced to me by alicia.
i was quite hesitant to read it at first cause it was written by a local author.
and i didnt really have much good of an impression on our local writers,
but i was proven wrong.
this is an awesome book.
really.
it did something to me that none of the books i read so far could;
it had me crying for an hour at least.
and when i read it the second time,
i still cried.
maybe some part of me was affected by my own life's events but still,
it's touching,
considering that alicia wept as well.

it's a cold cold morning.
it's so cold that my heart seems to have frozen,
like it may shatter any moment,
cause just one word from you can stop it from beating.
number 265.

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

went to help out in RAG yesterday since i had to go for uniform tailoring anyway.
now my back is aching from all that squating and bending cause the work was to be done on the floor.
got home pretty late last night.
by the time i was back everyone was asleep except my dad who was on the phone.
went to bath and waited till my hair was dry,
which was a terrible process cause my eylids wanted to stay shut.
after my hair was somewhat dry,
i kinda staggered to my bed and laid still since.
i was simply tired.

anyway my boss delayed my pay again this morning.
he was not too forgetful to mention that they are now understaffed and he's too busy to hand me my pay.
so now i can only get my pay next monday:(
hmmm i wonder what excuse he's gonna come up with next week.

there's so much i want to tell you, but i can't,
cause that wont be the way things work.
i can only wait.
wait for it to make the arragements i am unable to.

there're many things i want to do,
but there're just as much that's beyond my control.
i really wish you feel the same.

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Saturday, July 24, 2010

OHH!
the 3rd post of the day.
PHOTOS UPLOAD!

A VERY BRIEF IDEA OF HOW MY ROOM WAS LIKE DURING CAMP(:

DAY 1

the view's pretty good.
and we stayed on the 6th storey,
so yeahh, it is pretty good.
the only flaw is, no hot guys over the opposite block.
hahaha XD

the room was well-furnished and nicely equipped(:

DAY 2

DAY 3

hahaha.
the heart's for my eyes only XD
Lol.
and im usually a very tidy person.
but yeahh...

not much photos cause i didnt have much time to spend with my phone.
more photos in fb though(:

now for the more interesting one.
LUNCHING @ FUSIONPOLIS(:

EI8HTEEN CHEFS; where the food is fantabulous and cost-effective(:

THE WHITES.
clockwise; linette, jolyn, christina, alina(:

christina, alina, judy bullying moses(:

catch our sianed faces.
that jolyn extra lol XD

that's better;)

one more time^^

and that's us cramming at the back of moses car.
thank god that there weren't traffic police.
kekeke XD
and we have judy hidden in the boot of the car, serious XD

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Lol.
apparently, im all good now(:
havent been in my best behaviour since i woke up,
i tried hard not to show it but exploded when my mum was shouting at my dad earlier.
i wasnt paying attention but i hated the noise.
afterthat i went into my room and didnt want to listen to anything anyone said.
im sorry but i've been very easily irritated by noises lately.
there's the lift upgrading directly outside our unit.
there's the kids from the centre.
i've been edgy, i know.

on the bright side,
im work-free^^
and that is no doubt one of the best things that happened this week.
the girls were very sweet(:
they even bought farewell presents.
although some of the gifts they gave were pretty weird,
one of them would be the 40+ stickers that had spiderman, dora the explorer, harry potter and i dont-know-what plastered all over.
but having said that, i was pretty touched,
not because of the gifts but because of the cards that came with it.
i didnt quite realise that my lil comments can leave an impression in them.
Lol.
so adults should be mindful of what they say to children for they take it very seriously de.
anyway now i know the sense of accomplishment a teacher feels:')
and i can't believe i'm saying this,
but, at the end of it, im glad i took on the job.
if something came out of it,
it's preserverance.
the job hadnt been a stroll in the park,
and even though i had wanted to quit so many times,
i didn't, perhaps mostly due to pride.
i didnt want to give my boss the satisfaction.
but i'll be going back again probably next monday/tuesday
cause believe it or not, i havent gotten my pay >.<
so i'll be penniless this weekend:(

ais.
im wishing for something worthy of doing.
i want to wash the hamsters' cages.
but alicia the pig is still sleeping >.<

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

okay.
im in a i-know-i-oughta-be-in-a-good-mood-but-im-not mood.
for some reason i feel so irritated.
right now i dont wish to be bothered or questioned,
cause i dont want to answer them the way i would;
the very unpleasant way.
i hate it when you know that im apparently irritated and still come asking me about it,
which makes me even more irritated.
can't you just leave me alone for now?

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Thursday, July 22, 2010

depite the tiredness im feeling now,
despite having woken up so early,
despite the morning shower,
im greatly satisfied:)

went to campus today to help out in the RAG prep.
we realised that our help is really minimal as compared to that of the seniors.
some of them even stayed overnight to complete the float >.<
so i'll be going back more often:)
had lunch at fusionpolis.
the food was awesome,
not to mention inexpensive.
i had baked rice, lemon tea + icecream for only $6.40!
damn good:)
i'll be going there again, surely.
afterthat we went to the matriculation fair.
that christina signed up at almost every single booth lol.
we ended up staying there for 2 hours in total XD
there were some really interesting ccas i must say.
i signed up for community services, astronomy and photography.
hahaha.
frankly, i still havent made up my mind as to which cca i wanna join.
and i took brochures from all over the place.
i ended up carrying 2 bags of pamplets, booklets, free gifts etc.
and i bought a nussu tee too XD
it was already 6 plus when i took the bus.
some of my og mates stayed back to continue with RAG.
i wanted to stay further but i had dinner with family.
anw i'll be going back a couple more times next week.
i have uniform tailoring on monday,
which im looking forward to.
actually i kinda like working in uniforms,
gives me a sense of belonging XD
then there's conventus on friday,
where entertainment is guaranteed^^
and im quite sure i'll be going back for RAG too.

andand,
it's my last day at work tomorrow!
yay^^

im tired.
shall head to sleep.
nitenite(:

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

yay im in a good mood today(:
i packed my drawers,
changed the bedsheets,
and tidied the place(:
aint i good girl?
hahaha(:

anyway, i caught Inception last night.
it was mind-blowing, absolutely.
definitely one of the best movies i watched so far(:
speaking of movies,
saw the trailer of Narnia's third installment, The Voyage of the Dawn Treader.
im pretty sure i'll be catching it :D

3 days left(:

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Sunday, July 18, 2010

when i woke up this morning,
i was like "Why do I even bother to give a damn?"
it was a strange, random thought.
but yeahh, i felt a sense of fury burning.
pobably because im still affected by my boss.
till now, he still hasnt gave me a reply,
which infuriates me further.
i feel caught between waiting and taking action right now,
cause there's a part of me that still wants to keep my word.
perhaps it's also because i didnt want to be the one to initiate something unpleasant.
on the other hand,
there's this part of me, probably stronger,
that wants to play the bad guy this time.
honestly, i never take leaves unless really neccessary.
and because of this, i've missed out too much.
if me being accomodating is taken for granted,
then i might as well not be.
im not mad because he wouldnt approve of my leave,
but because of the fcuking(im sorry) reason he gave;
that THE CENTRE IS LACKING OF TEACHERS.
the fact is, he is already aware that we will be leaving during this period and why the hell did he not look up new teachers?
or is he in such a state of self-obsession that he still clings on to the belief that we're gonna stay on?
frankly speaking, i really dont get this guy at all.
it's his own mistake for being so last-minute and he makes life difficult for me.
now i can't even effing take leave.
what's worse, it's making things difficult for buddy cause i promised to go to the checkup with her.
and we needa make alot of arrangements to accomodate my work.
and im feeling effing bad about it.
how can anyone be such an ass.
he didnt hire a teacher in time then he blames me for not being understanding.
seriously eat shit man.
now i really don't give a damn.

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Friday, July 16, 2010

i had an extrememly fcuked up day.
im sorry but that's the only word just enough to describe my day.
it wasnt like that initially.
i went to work with a somewhat pleasant mood.
i honestly tried to make the day as pleasant as possible.
but things just want to go the other way.
the spark was when i got ticked off by my freaking boss.
because?
because i need to take 2 hours off from work on monday to go to a charity movie screening.
and what the hell did he say?
"CAN YOU BE MORE UNDERSTANDING?
CAN'T YOU SEE THE SITUATION NOW?
WE'RE LACK OF TEACHERS AND I HAVEN'T POST THE ADVERTISEMENT.
I PLEASE YOU TEACHERS THEN WHO PLEASE ME?
I DON'T KNOW LAHH"
then there i was, staring at him as if logic is no longer existent.
like what the hell.
when have i become the not understanding one?!
if i had been an ounce less understanding,
i would have resigned 2 months into my job when i was scolded because of "poor upbringing"
i would not have agreed into helping him do up the notice board,
which mind you, is not within my job scope.
i would not have went down to the centre as and when he messaged me.
i would not have sat there like a fool listening to his "godly" philosophies.
i must have been the most not-understanding idiot for the past 6 months.
and number 2.
i have my own situation to deal with can.
im taking leave not for my own pleasure.
it's my course event.
excuse me, you're not the only one with issues old man.
AND HELLO, IT'S NOT MY FAULT THAT YOU HAVENT POST UP AN AD FOR TEACHERS WHEN I'VE TOLD YOU LIKE AN EFFING MONTH AGO THAT IM LEAVING!
AND IT'S CERTAINLY NOT MY FAULT THAT NONE OF THE TEACHERS YOU EMPLOY LAST TOO LONG.
anyway i just messaged him that im taking 2 hours off again next thursday because it's registration day.
should the reply be unfriendly, then it's byebye to you mr i-am-the-best-but-i-can-be-such-an-ass
honestly, im not usually that mean.
i can swear that i try to look at the good side of people and let it override the bad side.
but this time, im just sorry.
to add to this,
i spent an effing 20 minutes waiting for the freaking 99 bus.
this isnt the first time im cross with the efficiency of 99.
i ended up walking home with cramps and feeling extremely hungry
ahh whatever.
today's just not my day.
but i feel so much better venting it out.
im good now.
and that marks the end to my stupiddd day.

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Thursday, July 15, 2010

gosh.
a moment ago i thought i had whatever's on my mind sorted.
but right now im blank. O.O
.
..
...
....
.....
....
...
..
.
woke up as early as 7.40am this morning.
okay it's not that early,
but it is for me,
considering that i hardly wake up before 9 these days.
yupp as i was saying,
woke up early today to go campus and help out in the preparations for RAG day.
being a very kiasu person,
i set out 1.5 hours earlier and realised my mistake 30 minutes later when i was standing on the platform of buona vista waiting for my OG mate jolyn to arrive,
which is another 30 minutes later >.<
i was uber early lahh.
Lol.
anyways there weren't alot of (nursing)people when we got there.
another OG group was supposed to be there but all the members had to go for QET.
sorry, but i found it quite funny lol XD

anyway im blank again O.O
shall end here then.

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Monday, July 12, 2010

sighs...
the rain today had quite a hit on my mood:(
but then again, my mood hadnt been too pretty either.
it's clearly the time of the month again.
LOL.
to put it simply,
im just undergoing some major mood-swings.
but this will not be an excuse for me to throw my tantrums anyhow.
so worry not, i'll try not to snap at anyone without good reason XD

anyway, Holland lost the cup, as you all will have known already:(
usually, i wouldnt be in the least affected.
but alicia and i had a bet with my mum and dad.
and apparently, we chose Holland.
the winners will gain a treat lol.
but we decided to simply insist that we picked Spain.
(talk about moral values. oops! :X)

and today's the first day of work after camp.
i was rather touched when the kids shouted "Miss Tan" when i walked into the centre:')
i do think i'll actually miss them,
although they havent exactly been the best-behaved and adored kids on the planet.
i wonder how i'll be feeling on my last day of work, speaking of which,
is next friday.
i already have a few of them flocking up to me asking for my number.
kekeke XD

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Saturday, July 10, 2010

and i wanna believe you,
when you tell me that it'll be okay.
and i try to believe you,
but i don't.

it's a lazy lazy saturday,
not to mention boring as well.
can't seem to find anything i can put my heart into doing.
the energy's simply missing,
even after the numerous hours of sleep i took.
yeahh i slept to the point whereby i was tired from sleeping.
i even became uninterested in tv,
which is a very strange phenomenon for me.
it's like the machine has hit a sudden halt,
when it's been going full speed for some time now.
i want to be doing something, anything.
ahh whatever.
i bet things will change when the engine comes on again on monday,
when i head back to the dreadful place called work.
but at least i'll be able to keep myself in balance then.
anyway i'll be going to taman jurong next saturday to distribute food to the residents.
also, i heard there'll be some cleaning up to do in certain homes.
it's part of the post-camp medicine CIP.
and im kinda looking forward to that(:

tomorrow is a different day

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Friday, July 09, 2010

IM BACK(:
and the camp's been awesome(:
shall not elaborate on the details for i guess there'll be loads of photos coming up...soon(:
i had a really good time(:
and surprisingly, it has changed certain aspects of me, in a way.
for one,
i've learnt to be less dependent.
for a long time now,
i've always been living within the comfort zone,
with people that i can rely and depend on.
however this time, im alone, going someplace unfamiliar, meeting new faces.
certainly there are times when i felt lost and helpless,
but that's the time when i had to learn to let go and approach.
and im glad i did so,
or i'll never know.
cause sometimes when the circumstances leave you with no choice,
it's where you find yourself gaining new heights.
and what's most important is,
i know that the road ahead's not gonna be a bed of roses, surely.
but it's made me more certain than ever, that i want this,
even though im quite sure that there will be a million times when i want to give up.
i've chose this.
also, i've probably grown stronger.
emotionally and most certainly physically (considering all the body aches im having now T.T)
andy was impressed with my new found muscles btw XD
i'll have to buck up on this though.
and finally,
the guys in nursing are so very different from what i had expected >.<
not in terms of looks.
i mean, when you've met guys with that degree of maturity,
appearances become secondary. (but a majority are goodlooking ones, i must say)
now i know why they say guys after army are different.
maybe yes, maybe not.
but either way, im impressed.

anyway after camp it's like im being pulled back into reality.
yupp and the first sign of that was my work. >.<
my boss had been in a way, torturing my colleague.
my mum was telling me to resign immediately,
in case he doesn't give me my salary after the two weeks.
(he has a long history for that)
but i couldnt bear to leave my friend behind,
especially after seeing how stressed she was working.
also, i've given my word,
i wouldnt back out, even though i really want to.
my contract has hit the dateline anyway.
whatever.
i'll just pull through that few days.
i'll be taking alot of leaves too.
cause i'll need to return to campus to help in the preparations for RAG day:)

anyway i woke up this morning to find myself bruised and tattered lol.
i have 2 blue-blacks on my elbows, one on each.
one on my knee.
slight abrasions on my knees and major ones on my thigh and butt,
considering that we literally dragged ourselves on our butts across the field doing the caterpillar walk.
so im kinda damaged now T.T
LOL.
and i now possess a record-breaking 12 hours of sleep for 3 nights.
didnt really sleep on the last night.
went out to the pub in holland v with the group to catch the match between germany and spain.
i didnt know soccer matches could get so high when you watch it outside. >.<
but now i can feel a fever coming.
the headaches's been on and off.
guess i need to rest.

that's all for today.
i'll probably post more when the photos come in.
PEACE(:

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Sunday, July 04, 2010

i know i must have mentioned this a million times already;
but, for the last time, in blogger:
i am effing nervous about the camp tomorrow.
there is no doubt at all that im going alone and alone is all im gonna be feeling,
at least until i reach my destination,
which till right now,
im still quite unsure where. =X
yepp as i was saying, alone is all im gonna be feeling,
next to panic and stupid.
the worst thing is,
i just found out that we dont have blankets lehh,
which is torturous for me because i cannot sleep without a blankey man!
im terribly afraid of the cold and i lose my sense of security when i dont have a blanket over me. :'(
i considered taking mine along but it'll probably only make me feel stupid-er;
like which joker will bring a blanket to camp man.
(scarely later really got people bring =X)
but despite having said all that,
i know (deep deep down) that everything will turn out fine,
just like how it did in all my previous camps.
you go in not knowing anybody,
you come out friends with (most of) everybody.
it's just that i am dangerously paranoid and hence the stress.
in any case,
i hope i dont die of embarrassment (because i tend to say really weird stuff when im nervous, i know)
or more possibly,
the cold cold nights. :/

anyway,
caught eclipse yesterday.
not much to say.
2.5 stars for the plot.
3 stars for the fight scenes.
3.5 stars for occasional laughs.
4 stars for edward's pretty face.
4.5 stars for jacob's abs.
caution: avoid taking meals beforehand for all the lovetalk will set your stomach churning.
that's about it.

and celebrated buddy's (advance) birthday at pepper lunch,
where we had out dinner.
hahah pepper dinner.
lol.
anyway pepper lunch is not the best choice for birthday celebrations i must say;
no lighters, no plates, and not very much forks i guess.
but despite the screw-ups (sorry buddy!!!),
it was the funniest birthday celebration i ever witnessed XD
i hope you'll enjoy your day as much,
even though i can't be there with you.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY BUDDY:)

it was and gonna be a well spent day for me;
washed the hamsters' cages, blogged, will be watching vampire diaries, will be playing monopoly with my family.
it can't be a better sunday,
unless damon suddenly pops out and sweeps me off my feet XD

i probably should end here.
havent pack my camp stuff yet (strangely, part of me doesnt really want to)
and gotta bid a teary byebye to my comfortabble, warm bed with BLANKETS :'(
you'll hear from me 5 days later :)

miss me when i'm gone!

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Friday, July 02, 2010

ALOHA! (although the weather suggests otherwise)
im supposed to be out with buddy today.
but she's unwell so we're postponing it to tomorrow's evening instead.
alittle disappointed but i don't want her to go out like that either
since the point is for her to enjoy :)
anyway i hope you'll be better soon buddy! :)
just as well.
i get to slack one full day at home.
which is really really hard to get by these days,
considering that im a dedicated employee.
Lol.
i shall spend the day wisely with my family, the laptop, and the VAMPIRE DIARIES.
ahh it's been 2 days since the previous episode.
and im dying to see damon again. XD

despite the petty quarrels,
i've got the best mum in the world.
they're all right here:)

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Thursday, July 01, 2010

i've always portrayed falling off the bed a ridiculously funny scene.
but after having underwent a near-experience to the real thing,
it is not funny at all.
i was super shocked when i felt that half of my body is in mid air.
and i sleep on a supersingle-sized bed btw.
LOL.
anyway afterthat i was fully awake.
this works better than the alarm i set,
in which i hit the snooze button so many times sometimes i wonder why i even set an alarm in the first place. >.<

went to meet taoyan earlier.
we're seeing each other for the first time after 6 effing months.
did alittle catch up about our lives.
it feels good to meet up after such a long time:)
but time was short cause i've got work later on:(
hahah.
everyday between 12 and 2pm i'll be all sulky.
it's the pre-work syndrome.
anyway i hope we'll be able to hangout longer the next time taoyan^^

-With All My Heart, Alina ;