Underneath The Smile, The Pain Resides

Friday, December 31, 2010

In a blink of an eye,
another year is at its end.
As we say goodbye to 2010,
another year awaits,
seemingly impatient,
for I have already seen Chinese New Year decorations hanging in shops when I walked by them today.
Very soon,
the familiar Chinese New Year tunes will be playing and we would all be immersed in yet another festive season.
However, it's not my intention to post about the future,
but of the past;
of the significant events that happened in my life in the year 2010.
Looking back at 2010,
it feels like I'm peering through the window into someone else's life.
The events that occurred seem so far away now,
yet, each story behind that window made me who I am today,
for without them, I would definitely be a different person right now.
I can't say if it's a good or bad thing they occurred.
You decide?

Year 2010 has been an eventful year, a year of change I would say,
and you'll know why.
The top 5 major events for me in 2010:

1. A Level Results
I thought I would die that day,
that I was finished,
that I would spend the rest of my life working for a grouchy old man in a joyless place called "Joyland Student Care Centre",
that I would never advance further than that.
I had never been so worried for academic results in my entire life,
though a part of me already had an idea how I would fare- badly.
And I thought I was ready to accept it.
But when face to face with reality,
you can never be ready.
The results were out,
and strangely what I felt was not the disappointment I had expected,
it was relief,
relieved that I had grades decent enough to at least give me a place in university.
And at that moment,
I guess that's all that mattered to me.
So personally,
the first event ended off fairly okay.

2. Alicia's torn knee ligament

I remember it was a tough period,

not only for her,

but for the entire family as well,

especially my parents,

who had to reschedule their lives in order to care for her;

my mother in particular,

she truly suffered.

Those difficult times lasted even after her stay in the hospital.

There were regular check-ups,

wound-dressings,

and my mother had to send her off to school and pick her up again every single day.

This threatened her employment in the company,

which she eventually lost.

But, I think God always has a way of looking out for you.

The event binded my family closer together,

I think,

for we were able to think for one another more,

to give more than we take,

to be more understanding towards one another.

So, to me, this was a blessing in disguise,

although I wouldn't like something like that to happen in my family, ever again.

Of course,

there were times when we each felt lonely,

helpless and lost in the situation,

like Andy,

who told me one night that the family's not the same anymore.

I didn't know what to say then and the conversation ended in silence.

If I could reenact that moment once more,

I would have told him that this is merely temporary,

and if we can go through it together,

we'll be stronger than before.

Perhaps this is my regret from that event,

for not being able to reassure my brother,

and for that, I felt like I wasn't a good enough sister.

But,

we overcame it anyhow,

and like I mentioned,

much stronger than before.

And P.S my mother got another job with better prospects and at walking distance from our home.

I thank our lucky stars for that.

And I guess the second event went well.

3. Chajatta, TVXQ

I know this may sound superficial,

like what great impact can an idol pop group have on you?

Yet indeed,

I regard it one of the best things that have happened to me this year.

It is difficult to put in words how strongly I feel about them,

but it's a resting place for my mind, and heart I suppose.

It's a happy feeling, even though it may be feeling happy for someone else,

someone who doesn't even know of my existence,

but I feel happy all the same,

and I think this is sufficient.

4. Knowing my mother for the first time in a long time

Not so long ago,

as some of you will know,

I wasn't on good terms with my family,

and it got so bad we were like strangers living in the same place.

I won't go into details but if there's something I learnt from that experience,

it is that there's no greater love than the love a mother has for her child.

And no other love in this entire universe can ever, ever beat that.

Even though sometimes I throw petty tantrums and say nasty things,

deep down there's always a voice that rings,

saying you know you'll never find another mother like her that can withstand all these rubbish you're throwing at her.

I saw my mother in another light that day.

I know she needs me,

not only as her daughter,

but as an elder sister to the other two as well,

and I will strive to be that girl for you abu.

Despite the way things started out,

I see that it ended well.

5. Entering Nursing

As I mentioned before,

the thought of nursing had never passed my mind before.

And if it weren't for my less-than-okay results,

I'd probably not have gotten into this course.

Yet, fate has a funny way of working things out,

and here I am,

a nurse-to-be,

and proud of it.

So don't ask me "Why?" anymore,

for my answer will only be "Why not?".

Nursing has changed a large part of my life,

including the way I view people,

the way I manage things,

the way I feel about life,

and I know that it will continue to change me,

for the better hopefully.

This family,

I cherish very much,

because I know,

they are people I can put my trust in,

not merely throughout my future career,

but throughout the rest of my life as well.

I am honestly thankful for all the wonderful people I met,

all the amazing friends I've gained throughout the years.

Although not every friendship worked out the way I wished they did,

there are still those which are worth cherishing.

And because I am someone who doesn't believe that good things will keep happening to me,

sometimes I feel afraid,

that one day I might wake up to find all these missing from my life,

because I know that I won't be so lucky forever,

that there're things we have to work for,

so to my friends out there,

I hope that wherever you are,

don't forget that we're connected by something not visible to the eye but felt by the heart,

something called friendship.

I hope you don't forget,

as I will not.

And on the last day of the year,

I hope to seek the forgiveness of anyone I've offended or hurt,

I swear they weren't intentional.

May new friendships blossom in the year to come and may old friendships hold on to the bond that made us friends in the first place.

Lastly,

I also came up with 5 resolutions for year 2011.

1. To spend more time with my family wherever possible.

2. To be a better daughter for my parents and a better sister for my siblings.

3. To be more accepting and forgiving- accept what I cannot change and forgive people for I myself need forgiveness as well.

4. To be stronger, for myself, not for others.

5. To study hard for my upcoming modules as I know the road ahead's not gonna be made of marshmallows and candy floss.

Every end is a new beginning.

I begin mine with a thankful heart,

that everything has found its place and that another year awaits me to explore.

How about you, how will you begin yours?

With that, I end my final post of the year.

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

It's been quite some time since I sat down to read.
I remember the last book I touched was Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows.
And since then,
no other books seem to be able to grab my attention.
However,
I've started reading again out of late,
and thankfully I did.
(And Ade Jung, thanks for borrowing me the books,
for without you, I would not have had the chance to read them so soon)

The first book I completed reading:

This is a book, not about life, but death.
Yet, the irony is, it reflects the way in which we should be living our lives,
and how each and every one of us affects one another,
even in the simplest of ways.
If you had ever belittled the significance your life has upon the world,
this is a book for you- 5 People You Meet In Heaven.

This second book I completed earlier this afternoon:

tuesdays with Morrie is a book about learning to live from a person who is dying.
This is by far, one of the best books I've read.
And it is also the second book that had me crying upon reading.
A truly inspiring book- tuesdays with Morrie.

I'll be moving on to my third book soon;
For One More Day,
by the same author Mitch Albom.

Recently,
there're many books waiting in line for me to read them.
Besides the 3 books mentioned above,
I still have 3 other books waiting in my drawer,
2 of which are Christmas gifts from Ivy.
I think reading is good for me,
a passion I thought I've lost.
It's good to read once in a while,
and I think people nowadays should do that more often too,
before reading becomes an activity of the past and all of us spend our lives aimlessly staring blankly into television or computer screens.

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Inspiration,
where have you gone to...?

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Monday, December 27, 2010

If this goes on I don't think I'll be able to get to sleep.

I was hoping to enjoy the peace and quiet of the night but sudden;y out of nowhere,

I spotted a cockroach in the living room.

I am damn frightened now but dare not call my dad up to kill it.

So now I'm sitting like a stiff rock on the sofa.

Lol.

Indeed, this is what I call "Unwilling to leave, unable to stay."

That darned insect >.<

Shoo shoo shoo!

By the looks of it my house does require a proper spring cleaning some time soon.

There are "stuff" all over the place.

Homework, pencil case, books, DS, wires, cables, letters etc etc.

See liao I also headache sia >.<

Anyways, going out tomorrow evening to meet Ivy, Daph and Hongz for a belated christmas celebration(:

I guess it'll probably be one of my last few outings.

I'm outta time and outta cash >.<

Shall sleep now,

the stupid cockroach's haunting me >.<

Though I didn't want the day to end or at least not end so quickly,

I accept the end is just another term for a new beginning.

To a better tomorrow,

goodnight people!(:

Don't know why but besides the excitement's that's still boiling inside me,

I think I'll be sleeping thinking about the mess and trash in my house that I'll clear out tomorrow if nobody's gonna do anything about it.

Ahh whatever, sleep!

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Sunday, December 26, 2010

We're inseparable;

For one cannot do without the other.

Happy 7th Anniversary TVXQ!

You who filled an empty space in me I thought nobody could.

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Saturday, December 25, 2010

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!^^

Hope you people out there are having a good time or have had a good time today^^

I know I did(:

Went to visit my grandmother who lives in Serangoon today(:

I remember the last time we visited was on Deepavali and I realize we only get to visit her on special occasions like public holidays.

The next time we see her again will probably be Chinese New Year then.

It feels sad to have a family member living such a distance away:(

Sometimes I wish she could be living closer to us,

so that we can visit her more often and spend more time together.

She lives alone, with the maid and my older cousin,

who doesn't seem to spend much time at home:\

Only today did I found out that she fell a couple of days ago...

On a lighter note,

Tada!

My dinner today:

There was crab (awesome stuff!), eggs, chicken etc etc!

Yum Yum!^^

I wanted to take a good shot of each dish but was already drooling by the time I took the second one.

So, sorry! XDD

Although whenever we visit I'll complain of boredom because there is no laptop for me to use, no internet access and no awesome SCV programmes,

there is one thing that that I cannot find elsewhere- my popo(:

So the time's wellspent, nevertheless(:

I saw how age has caught up with her today,

with the backaches and sores-

she couldn't even bear to stand for long.

Yet, each time we come to visit,

she'll put on a cheery face and cook up the dishes we love.

Today, she was saying how glad she was that we finished the food.

I saw how easy it was for us children,

to make our parents happy,

simply by appreciating the effort.

And sometimes, happiness is that simple.

And buddy,

sorry I couldn't turn up today.

I hope you had fun though(:

Don't know why but my inspiration's draining away.

I do have much thoughts in my mind that I hope to express but something just seems to be in the way.

So I guess I should end here for now.

I'll probably be posting more again tomorrow,

it's 26th Dec.

Goodnight everybody(:

P.S:

The other 2 are busy enjoying the festive season without him XD

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Friday, December 24, 2010

This post should have came long ago,
but due to my overwhelming workload and schedules for the past week(s),
I didn't have the time to post this.
But even so,
this is gonna be a rather hasty one,
as I'm leaving for my aunt's place for Christmas party tonight.
I really need to hurry haha,
though there's so much I want to post about.
Let's start with my attachment in St Luke's Community Hospital!

This was taken during one of our meals during attachment!
We had our meals @ either one of the 2 coffeeshops near the hospital.
It was hawker food for 2 weeks>.<
But still, each time the food tasted good,
cause we were hungry haha!

Here's our farewell gift to the staff members of Ward 23(:
There was a cake as well, but I didn't get a picture of it.
Even though it's been almost a week,
I still miss my patients:\

Group photo!(:
The nurse in red is our clinical instructor during the attachment period.
Thank you for taking such good care of us(:

The last day of attachment was also the eve of Meihong's birthday,
so we decided to surprise her that night.
Daph and Ivy were on morning shift but they came back afterthat,
sweet pals(:

Head over to Jurong Point MacDonald after a mini celebration at the hospital.
Stayed till almost midnight,
I was so tireddddd >.<

And that marks the end of my clinical attachment.
Thank you St Luke's,
for changing part of who I was before(:
That I can now be a better person.

Next, VCF Caroling @ KWSH(:

Ladies(:

Hongz, where you?

With my soulmate, Daphne Park XDD

With Samuel The Class Bully, who doesn't seem to act his age XDD

Nurses rock!(:

The afterparty at some condo which took us ages to get to.
Enjoyed it(:

I like this!^^

Ivy, Shu huey and I went to KAP (King Albert Park, if I remember correctly)
to have some comfort food- ICECREAM!!! @ a little shop called creamy island^^

With Shu Huey(:

With Ivy(:

Presenting to you, Ivy's bag^^

In fact, there're a number of photos taken that day,
I didn't want to post them all cause I thought they'll be alittle boring for you guys.
So I just picked a few(:
Anyway,
it really was a wellspent day.
Did some good work, spent some good times, ate some good food and met some good people.
What more can I ask for?
I love my life(:

Lastly,

Baby ya,
any more of this and I won't have enough love to spare XDD

I knew you were cute, I didn't know you're this cute.
Saranghae~

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

What an amazing day!
I can't wait to write about it here,
but because I'm really tired now and the photos aren't ready as of yet,
I'll leave the story to tomorrow.
Hope the memories are still fresh by then.
And I'm dying from the cramps.
They're like totally killing me.
It's so bad that I break out in cold sweat and crouch myself together whenever it happens.
This time it's really bad:(
Anyways,
gonna spend most of my time at home tomorrow,
hope I'll be able to take a break and just chill and spend time with my family,
my siblings especially,
going to play badminton tomorrow evening^^
it's been donkey years since i held a racket>.<
And yes,
gotten my results this morning.
All I can say is that I honestly gave my best,
but yeahh,
as I always say,
"Sometimes giving your best is not enough".
But even so,
I know there's no point feeling sorry for myself,
I'll work harder next time round!

~~~~~~~~~~~~
homin ahh,
do you see that?
do you hear them?
look further,
listen harder.
we can only be patient.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ais today's been too long for me,
gonna pop some pills and head to sleep,
goodnight everybody(:

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Monday, December 20, 2010

I'm thinking I need to post this,

JAEBABY<333
He's the only guy who can make my heart race behind a computer screen.

And lately he's quite keen on removing stuff.

ahh don't get too excited,
it's just the belt.

Haven't you revealed too much skin already baby?

Notice the shades?
He tweeted something wrong about his eye earlier.
Poor guy.
You need a doctor, not a miracle.

Ahh I wanna hold those hands~

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Alina's back(:
I know I hadn't really been myself lately.
But I guess things have gone back to the way they were before since the moment I woke up this morning.
It's like waking up from a deep sleep,
so much so that yesterday feels really far away,
which is a good thing,
because I don't intend on looking back again(:
Despite having said so,
I guess this incident has changed me, or at least some part of me.
One thing's for sure, I've learnt to accept what I cannot change.
And accepting that fact makes all the difference.
Even though the heart feels bitter at times,
I've learnt to cope(:
It wasn't anyone else's fault.
I had issues and I imposed it on my family,
thinking that they should feel as awful as I did,
but I never knew it would in the end make myself feel worse than before.
I guess I was the one who hadn't understood.
But now I do.
And if it's possible, I won't let it happen again(:
They say, "sorry" seems to be the hardest word,
but I guess there are words even harder to say,
so I'm sorry,
for causing this and making the people who care worry unnecessarily.
I will be more mature than before and learn to think more,
not for myself only but for others as well.
And the incident also made me realize how much I needed friends.
To the people who's been there for me,
not only during this period but in other difficult times as well,
thank you(:
Words alone aren't enough to say how much I cherish each and every one of you,
for this can only be proven through time and effort,
and I'm guessing we will have a lot of that,
because these are the people whom I'll be spending forever with.

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Sunday, December 19, 2010

All right.
Everything will be alright.
I'll shower now.
Don't worry about me anymore.
I'll be okay(:

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

I've been living like a wasted piece of shit everyday.
Nothing to look forward to,
nothing to wake up to,
simply no, nothing.
And sometimes I wish I'll just sleep on and on,
and never wake up to another day,
where I'll continue life aimlessly,
like a drunkard finding his way home.
This weekend's just been terrible,
it feels even worse since attachment's over.
I have nothing, nothing to keep those thoughts from pouring in,
it's like massive gushes of waves rushing towards me,
engulfing me into what feels like a black-hole;
so dark and so empty.
It happens during my every waking moment;
such pain I don't think I can endure anymore.
I really wish to change,
to do something to make it all better.
But I don't see how it can be made better;
I'm starting to lose faith,
not in anyone else,
but myself.
I've always thought that there's nothing that cannot be accomplished so long as I put my heart and everything into doing it.
But this time,
the tiredness is overwhelming and sometimes, I think I'm no longer in control.
Why is this happening?
I really don't know.
I really don't.
I have a problem,
but I don't know what it is.
Perhaps I am the problem.
And perhaps I should get rid of it.

Pain is the only reminder that I still exist.

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Friday, December 17, 2010

I was hesitating for 10 minutes between switching off the laptop and turn in early or to post this.
As I mentioned the night before,
I had something to say.
And it may not be very pleasant to the ears.
And the reason for my hesitation is that I didn't want this to affect my feelings regarding the previous post.
I was hoping to hold on to them,
to let it occupy my mind, at least till tomorrow,
before I deal with this.
And this, is not a minor problem.
This feeling's been haunting me for a long time now,
and though I try hard not to show it,
it is there, I know.
If you trace back my entries to approximately a month ago,
you would know that I'm having problems with my family.
Yes, this is my problem,
and lately, this problem is getting out of hand.
It's gotten so bad that I can't hide behind the facade and say "Everything's alright" anymore.
To the world, I have a close-knitted happy family,
but no one sees that, to me, there's in fact a huge mess underneath.
Perhaps I've never intended for anyone to see it either,
for ultimately, this is still a family affair.
But I just realize I cannot take it any further.
I just realize that in fact,
I dread to go home.
I dread to see their faces.
I dread to hear their voices.
I just want to retreat to my little corner,
which i also just realize, that i don't have.
I don't have the space that I desire of my own,
and sometimes that is really frustrating.
Okay,
it may sound like I'm having an issue here but these are all personal feelings,
and it's alright if you can't agree with me,
I just need a personal space to vent,
even if it's somewhere in the virtual world like the internet.
As I was saying,
I dread coming back.
And it's gotten so bad that each time I return,
I feel this immense anger that I cannot explain.
There were times when I got so angry that I actually cried.
And I got even angrier at myself for crying.
Sometimes I really think there's something wrong with me.
I think I'm starting to detach myself from this unit, and them, from me.
And I'm beginning to think that it's alright for us to be without each other,
because sometimes being bothered too much can be a bad thing.
I used to be concerned with the feelings of someone, my brother.
He used to be the closest kin I ever have.
Now I am not too sure.
I don't even think I have one now.
It's like each time he makes a comment about something he don't like about the things I do,
I will get all sensitive and paranoid and would tell myself to change.
And whenever we have a quarrel, I will always be the one trying to patch things up.
Sometimes I question myself why do I go to such lengths just to make someone happy,
when he couldn't be more bothered.
Looking back now, I found my efforts unnecessary.
Because I realize I will never be as important to him as he is to me;
Because there will always be more important things;
Because he will always have another sister around;
Because the efforts will ultimately go unappreciated.
And Alicia is another one as well.
She used to be someone I can depend on,
but I guess, not anymore.
And I find myself not wanting to speak to her either.
They make me feel like I am wanted only when I am needed.
If there is no need for my help,
I think there's no need for us to communicate anymore.
I guess the bond's broken.
And this time, I don't know if I have the courage to fix it back.
Or rather, I don't know if I even want to fix it anymore.
Although I haven't had much communication with my parents lately,
I still feel the disappointment whenever I am with them.
It's like a cold bug,
and I haven't got the medication for it.
Sometimes I feel like they're trying to make up for something,
but this time, I really don't feel anything about it.
Perhaps they feel as much disappointment towards me as they are to me,
and I've got a strong feeling that they do.
I must have failed.
at being the good older sister for my siblings,
at being the good daughter for my parents.
It's just difficult, having to live up to people's expectations.
To live life in the pursuit of my own happiness by disregarding the expectations others have for me or to live it meeting their expectations and leaving my happiness out of it?
I honestly don't know.
We were always taught not to be selfish and the latter would seem like the right thing to do.
But humans are, after all, innately selfish beings.
How many Mother Theresas can there be?
19 years into my life and I still don't know how to live.
I must have failed as a person too.
I am so sick of all that's happening,
all the unhappiness I am facing,
and seeing that it makes no difference to them makes me feel even worse.
They can just go on with their lives without a care in the world.
All because right now, I am not needed.

I had not intended it to be this long,
but everything just came to me since I started typing.
And it should be understood that it's just something I feel I need to let it off my chest.

It's probably time to sleep now,
That's the only place I feel comfort in right now- in my sleep.
Anyway,
expect something happy in my next post,
that I guarantee(:
goodnight, and I'm really sorry.

ade jung, will you still be proud of me if you've seen this...?
I don't deserve it anymore

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Thursday, December 16, 2010

I know I won't have the time to write this post tomorrow so I shall write it now.

Time flies and it's already been 2 weeks into my clinical attachment @ St Luke's Hospital,

and as I sit here reflecting upon my journey,

I am dealt with a mixture of feelings.

No doubt, I feel relieved that it's finally over and that I will be able to enjoy some personal time before school starts again.

Yet, at the same time, I couldn't help but feel sad about the parting tomorrow.

Even though it's merely been 2 weeks and honestly,

2 weeks isn't really that long,

but somehow or rather,

I think we've built a connection;

with the staff,

as well as with the patients.

Perhaps not everyone may be able to understand this,

perhaps no one else may be able to understand this,

but that's the amazing thing;

because it cannot be explained,

it has to be felt.

Even though there have been times when I complained so much about the shifts,

about being tired,

about not being able to walk further because of the blisters on my feet,

but at the end of it,

there's still this stinging feeling whenever I think about leaving.

Perhaps 2 days ago I wouldn't have felt so strong about this,

but what happened today, i will never forget.

When I entered the ward to serve lunch this noon,

the patient whom I like talking to said:

"今天星期几?"

I told her it's Thursday.

and she replied,

"明天星期五, 你们最后一天了"

and I didn't know how to reply her.

She's a patient who sometimes don't even remember where she places her things,

don't know the day of the week,

but she could remember that we're leaving on Friday, the last day of this week,

when I've only mentioned to her once.

And later on another patient whom I hardly had much interaction with suddenly spoke to me,

saying that she'll miss us.

I felt a lump in my throat.

Before this clinical attachment,

I had never liked geriatric care.

I had thought that caring for the aged was a tiresome and frustrating job and they are just a bunch of irritable people,

waiting to throw tantrums at anyone who came their way.

I was proven very wrong.

They are really one of the most thankful people you can find.

I remember the first time the ah ma in bed 8 held my hand and said "你很乖啦",

it was a warmth I'll never forget.

But of course, there were still difficulties along the way.

Yet somehow, I felt that it was all worth the while.

Each of them means something to me,

no matter the time spent and the amount of words exchanged.

Even though it's only been 2 weeks,

and to some people, 2 weeks is a really short time.

But to me,

it's enough for the memories to last for a lifetime,

because this will always be my first ward attachment.

To do what nobody else will do, a way that nobody else can do, in spite of all we go through; is to be a nurse

-Rawsi Williams

Because my best is all I can offer.

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

I've got some really really bad things to say,
but because it's the birthday of one of the most awesomest people on earth,
i don't wish to do it today.
i'll keep it inside till tomorrow,
and pray that it doesn't explode tonight,
cause im really, really pissed.
extinguish that fire, jae<333

& HAPPY BIRTHDAY XIAH JUNSU~

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

3 more days and it's freedom,
wait for me!
wait for me, baby~
wait for me, shopping spree~
wait for me the lonely tv~
going to sleep now, morning shift tomorrow!
good night!

i miss jaebaby alot alot tonight!:DD
can't stay up to wait for ah su's birthday~
but happy birthday in advance su!^^

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Monday, December 13, 2010

is it in us that we never mean to cherish what we have till we lose it?
i believe it is.
we never seem to cherish enough.
this is what i learnt today,
life is too short for regrets.

May you rest well now, go in peace, without anymore pain.

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

It's so tired being your friend,
or am I even considered one?

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Sunday, December 12, 2010

The internet is sucha scary place to be in;
there's hardly any privacy.

sianzation.
after this post i'll need to start working on my nursing care plans.
this is extra work mannn.
people attachment we also attachment,
how come ours like that de... T.T
i've got 6 nursing care plans due tuesday, one reflective drawing due tomorrow and a nursing acronyms test on tuesday as well.
WHAT SAI.
either they think we've got more time than normal= >24 hours or they believe that we have no life >.<
WHAT SAI.
im so going out to party when this is over.

arghh.
feeling damn sian today.
didn't even sleep much last night.
was it the caffeine or there's just too much on my mind?
i can't tell.
anyways it's just been one hell of a sunday.
couldn't focus on anything right.
someone save me please...

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Friday, December 10, 2010

OHMYGOD~
TOHOSHINKI never, ever fails to make me happy~
my personal daily medication^^
anyways,
in a blink of an eye and it's friday already^^
frankly i don't know what to make out of what im feeling.
happy?
in a way, yes(:
sad?
definitely no.
tired?
absolutely.
despite so,
i don't feel like sleeping now cause i'll feel like i've wasted an awesome friday night.
but unfortunately, i don't have much inspiration to post much tonight,
and there're just too many good shows on tv now!
so i'll just end off here!
till next time,
good bye!^^

P.S I LOVE KJJ! SARANGHAE BABY!^^
hahahaha i only have you to think about tonight~

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Thursday, December 09, 2010

YAY!^^
it's 10.31pm now!
usually i would be sleeping like a log,
but because im doing the evening shift tomorrow,
i don't have to get up as early as 4.30am (faints*) and can afford to sleep later,
just for tonight^^
anyway,
i just had my bath and is also waiting for my hair to dry(:
it's no good to sleep while your hair's still wet you know!
kekeke.
anyways,
today wasn't as hectic as compared to the rest,
probably also because it's my first evening shift and there usually isn't much to do in the afternoons as the patients are most likely taking their afternoon naps.
but still, time passed as though it flew.
enjoyed my work and all the new things i tried doing today(:
i don't think it's appropriate for me to mention too much here but i'll just sum up my thoughts and feelings for the work today by saying,
"A simple 'Thank you' makes all the difference and gives the effort value and worth.",
tonight, i end my shift with gratitude and accomplishment(:
i'll do better tomorrow!(:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ever since the start of clinicals,
i feel rather disconnected from the outside world as my world only revolves around the hospital, the staff and the patients.
so it feels nice to be using the laptop again,
catching up on the updates and stuff.
but i can't be using it for long either,
gotta go write up on my reflective journal afterwards.
i missed yesterday's entry! T.T
so after a quick 20 minute spazz on the lappy,
i'll be heading back to journaling.
also realized that i haven't had much time to speak to my friends either,
except for those in St Luke's.
i hope you people are doing well.
for my buddy wong,
i'm not too sure what're you doing now...
are you still bored?
hahaha.
enjoy your holidays!^^
and for darling adejung,
she's working now!
you hardworking girl!
earn more $$$ but don't forget to have fun as well!^^
and take care of yourself too!
it's time to tiao yang sheng ti!
you know what i mean!
won't list the names one by one,
i'll have to write till tomorrow morning,
but so long you're my friend,
im hoping you're doing well right now.
i'll keep you guys in thought and till we meet up again,
do take care!(:

ohh and i can't help but post this:

Santa Jiji!!!
im not exactly a cat-lover but this kitty's just adorable,
probably because he's got sucha lovable owner XDD
hahahah XDD
you're cute, but can i please have your owner, Mr KJJ for christmas?

i think i should head off to sleep now,
though i know i said i should go off to do journaling,
but i've still got tomorrow morning and sleep is getting a little too impatient with me >.<
don't know when i'll be posting again,
tomorrow night perhaps,
if i should have the energy to still stay awake(:
sweetdreams everybody!^^
sleep well!
my patients sleep well too!
to a better tomorrow, good night!^^

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Wednesday, December 08, 2010

So tired, yet so fulfilled.
I decide to write this while the thoughts are still fresh in my mind,
despite the weariness I'm feeling right now.
It's only been Day 3 of attachment and I'm already overwhelmed with feelings.
Honestly,
since I was a kid,
I saw myself doing many things-
a teacher, an air stewardess, a social worker, an artist, a designer, and even a farmer.
There were so many childhood aspirations I wanted to work towards.
But never a nurse,
never did the thought came through my mind,
that I can actually be a nurse, one day, someday.
If one should ask me the question 3 years ago if I would want to be a nurse when I graduate and leave school,
my answer would no doubt be a No.
Why would I want to spend my time cleaning up after strangers,
lose my sleep for night shifts,
sacrifice my holidays,
just for a job?
But today,
I realize it's not "just a job".
It's something I finally see myself really doing,
for the next 3 years, for the next 10 years, perhaps till the day I can work no longer.
It's a commitment;
and when I don on the uniform,
all that comes to mind is my work, my team, my patients.
So even when face to face with the weariness, the sacrifices, the complaints, the terribly aching legs and hurting blisters,
I saw something else- pride.
Pride in my work;
pride in my profession;
pride in our team.
Of course,
nursing's not a bed of roses, I know,
and I'm not gonna paint a rosy picture of it either,
cause in reality it's not.
There're also many issues that we have to deal with,
heavy responsibilities to take care of
and burdens to carry, which more often than not, are not ours to bear.
I know.
And certainly someone's watching over me as till now,
the nursing staff I've met with,
be it in NUS, in the polyclinic, or in the community hospital,
are great people,
with a heart filled with more compassion than you can imagine.
And I'm really thankful.
I don't know what lies ahead of me in this journey,
what I do know is,
I'm part of something called team spirit,
and it's gonna be a system that I'll rely on for the rest of my nursing career.
I write this, in the hope that when I feel like I'm having regrets over this decision I make, may it be 3 months from now or 10 years later, that I'll remember why I chose this path in the beginning and the dedication I give to my profession, my support staff and my patients.
I'll work hard!

God bless the weary and the sick,
and give them hope even when the road ahead seems bleak.

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Sunday, December 05, 2010

The final post of the week.

This shall be about how I spent my my first couple of exam-free days- with beloved friends(:

Thursday 02122010

Went to eat at Waraku.

(I finally remember the name right,

Daph and Hongz were laughing the first time I said it:\)

The view's splendid(:

Last allie-allie photo before she leaves for Australia

Bon voyage Allie(:

But like I said, this is not goodbye(:

Looking back at the photos,

I realize many things have changed since what I would call, "The Good Old Days".

In fact, that has been true for quite some time now.

We've all changed, one way or another.

I don't mean it in a negative way,

it's just that, whether we admit it or not,

we're no longer the exact same people we used to be back in school,

doing the same crazy stuff we used to do.

I guess that's why they're called memories,

because it's something we can only relish in.

I accept that change is the only constant in life.

But I think what I can hope for, is that we change for the better.

Memories of the past should stay where it is,

for that's the only way we can create new ones.

Let's do that and keep us together(:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Friday 03122010

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAPH^^

had clinical attachment briefing in the morning and i was effing sleepy.

slept less than 4 hours that morning and i overslept slightly.

didn't even had breakfast when i dashed out of the house with my handphone and earpiece in one hand and a packet of Milo in the other.

thank god, i wasn't late.

in fact, we arrived earlier than expected.

St Luke's not very far actually, much to my surprise.

personally, i liked the environment,

it's peaceful and quiet, and more importantly,

the patients in my ward are all females(much to my relief) and are really nice people(:

some were waving and smiling,

unlike the way you'd think older people will behave.

that sight made me look forward to my attachment which will begin tomorrow(:

i hope i'll do well!

back to the subject,

after the clinical briefing,

we went to jp to celebrate daph's birthday^^

had pizza hut where we each got ourselves a balloon^^

(i had to eye-contact the staff making the balloons for quite some time:\)

but anyways, the staff that day were in exceptionally good mood,

and it made us happy too^^

don't know why, but i was exceptionally high that afternoon.

after the meal,

we went to watch Rapunzel(:

i can say i expect nothing less from a Disney's Production.

it's an awesome awesome movie(:

loved it(:

i was actually tearing at one point of the story:\

i'm so gonna get the dvd when it's released(:

met up with my family afterwards as they were shopping in jp too, as usual,

whereas hongz went home and daph went off to meet her friends(:

it was a short but well-spent day(:

SAN DUO HUA^^

The Lovely Birthday Girl,

Our cute cute xiaowanzi^^

<333

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

besides my hectic 8-hour attachment shift,

i'll be spending time writing my reflective journals when i come home everynight,

so you'll expect to see less of me here,

and even should i surf the net, it'll only be a quick view of 10 minutes.

so, till next time, take care everybody(:

and look forward to the season of giving!

i know im more than excited^^

it's time to give more than take.

good night(:

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Saturday, December 04, 2010

What Hurts The Most

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm ok
But that's not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin' to do

It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I'm doin' It
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin' with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

Not seeing that loving you
That's what I was trying to do

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ghosts of the past keeps haunting me,

and I keep running,

but every turn I make,

I see your face,

watching me the way you used to,

the way I know I can never again feel,

from no one else but you...

I opened a door that was long locked shut,

that was almost insignificant and forgotten,

but today it took me back,

back to the days when happiness could mean just me and you.

I don't know what's more painful,

seeing you leave or the regrets that came with it?

Tonight, I admit defeat.

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Thursday, December 02, 2010

what a beautiful day(:

they say, the sweetest memories are meant to be kept,

so i shall not mention much here,

all that's left to say is,

i know we can last forever.

we can, and will grow together(:

im tired!

tonight shall end early.

no more 2ams and 3 ams.

it's gonna be <12am>

and gonna be spending some quality time with my family tonight instead,

lest i receive any more complaints from my mum hahahaXD

good night everybody!^^

if only everyday feels so carefree...

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Wednesday, December 01, 2010

Nine

너는 사랑이란 걸 아니?
do you know what's call love?

아냐 사실 나도 모르겠어...
no~ in fact I have no idea about it too...
단지 모르는 게 Ye
just don't know it Ye
가슴이 뜨겁고 막 뛰고 자꾸 눈물이 흘러 나
my heart feels hot and I keep running and keep tearing up
어떻게 해야하는 거니.
what should I do?
찾아가 무릎 꿀으면 되니...
Should I go pleading with bent knees?
나도 모르게 Ye
I don't know too Ye
계속 너를 찾고 또 뛰고, 걷다 보면 또 제자리야
I keep finding you and running, I'm back to the original spot even when I keep walking
Do you not love me Do you not want to forget

새로 시작하려 해도
even if I want to start anew
쉽게 되지가 않는 우리 사랑
It doesn't seems easy for our love
내 기억. 추억들~
My memories. sweet memories~
더 이상 감출 수조차 없는 내가 되었으니~
I have become someone who can no longer hide it
지난 날은 잊어~
forget the old days~
오직 서로만 지켜 가면 돼
We just need to have the 2 of us
이제 우린 알 수 있잖아.
know we know it, don't we
말하지 않아도 알잖아
we know it even if we don't say it out
매일, 멀지 않던 어제만 소리 치면 되
tomorrow, we will shout out of the yesterday that isn't too far
말하지 못해서 미안해
i'm sorry that I can't say it
사랑한다 그대여
i love you my dear
몇 번이고 전화도 해봤어
many times i've tried calling
무슨 말을 할까 고민했어...
I've been thinking about what to say...
나도 모르게 Ye~
I don't know it too Ye~
잠을 자고 일어날 때도 계속 너를 찾게 되는 거야
even as I fall asleep and wake up, I can't stop myself from wanting to find you
날 봐 지금의 나를 봐
look at me, look at the me now
너무나 변해버린 내 모습 좀 어색하지만 기다려
Although it feels awakward because I've changed so much, wait
너무 멀어지지 말자 내 앞에 세상과 약속할테니
let's not be too far apart, I make a promise to the world ahead of me

If that's what you're trying to say,

we will listen.

And I believe that they are listening too.

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

SAI.
today's paper is some crazy shit.
i memorized every process there is,
revised on everything that i memorized,
memorized again,
revised again,
and yet...
i can only say, shit happens.
and this is definitely one of those times it's happening to me.
the paper turned out to be heavily focused on the anatomy aspect.
everything there is about the skeletal system came out,
which is exactly what i did not bother to take a second glimpse at ;(
SAI.
i totally screwed up.
just yesterday i thought i was gonna be a free bird.
now, i guess, im one dead bird.
and the worst thing is,
i actually did study.
i took the time and the effort to memorize and revise,
and for once i thought i can do it, with a little bit of confidence,
a little bit of hope,
cause all these revision weren't last minute...
i had actually prepared...
but it turns out that i could've possibly fared better even by just studying one system- the skeletal system.
SAI.
even though i know what's done cannot be undone,
and that ranting here won't change anything,
it's just disappointing to know that your efforts have come to naught,
vanished into nothingness,
flushed down the drain...
it's like you try really hard at something and then get smacked in the face.
arghh i really can't take this in.
the feeling's burning in my chest, like hot metal;
and it sucks knowing that there's nothing you can do about it.
i feel like i can tear and burn my lecture notes right this second,
without even blinking an eye.
DIE!

-With All My Heart, Alina ;