Underneath The Smile, The Pain Resides

Monday, September 26, 2011

I.AM.BACK(:
This is my first post after returning from Genting(:
Throughout the trip I've been thinking how I could post the memories and blog about our adventures even though it was merely a 3-Day trip.
However,
at the end of it,
I realize there was no way I can describe it.
And there's also no way I can cram the few hundreds of photos into one blog post either -.-"
Anyhow,
I'm really, really glad that we went for this.
Because initially each of us was facing some kind of problem of our own,
I didn't think it would work out as perfectly as it did.
I was worried that we would bring our problems along and let them affect us.
But thankfully,
none of that happened,
and so,
I cannot be more thankful than this.
This trip has no doubt brought us closer than ever before,
especially with regards to my friendship with Jiayan,
I think we've moved on to another level in our friendship.
I realize we're actually 2 very similar people and maybe because of that,
I feel that I have this need to take care of her and protect her from all that negativity she need not go through.
I really need to thank her for opening up to me and because of that,
we got to know each other better but more importantly,
I found another soulmate in a friend.
I really cannot be more thankful for that.
It is not possible for me to clearly jot down all the feelings I experienced during that short stay,
but most of all,
I felt gratitude all the way,
for I know true friends are really hard to find,
especially in a world like ours,
where hypocrisy is everywhere and you'll never know who to trust,
but I'm glad I found all the right people in my life.
Even though there are and will be times whereby we have our disagreements and perhaps unhappiness,
but they just let me realize that even in the worst times,
I'll want to cherish our friendship and make it better.

This is my definition of friendship.
We have a long long way to go(:

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

STRESSED.
With everything that's coming and all that I've not done,
I've been feeling the nerves ever since the start of recess week.
And because of that I couldnt even sleep well at night T.T
Even if I do sleep,
I'll start having weird dreams about doing work or just school-related stuff.
My heart's just heavy with the overwhelming load.
And even now I'm also posting because I can't sleep further and it's only 7 -.-"
How many more sleepless nights are waiting for me...
There's the Mental Health Written Assignment waiting,
med surg proj which has taken up 2 days of my recess week,
and lastly the one I'm most worried of- Pharmaco & Patho CA,
Which requires the use of the memory ><
OHMYGOODNESS.
I'll die when I come back from the trip,
no doubt about it T.T

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Saturday, September 17, 2011

I wish someone would come and take me away.

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Damn it Alicia, damn it.
I'm really angry with this girl.

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Friday, September 16, 2011

What a good day today is!
Mostly because it's a Friday and I'm looking forward to what the weekend will bring^^
The day started with a lack-of-sleep.
Vaguely remember myself wrestling with my mum when she called me up this morning.
Went to school feeling a little grouchy over the video I couldn't play in my phone last night.
It's a really disappointing feeling 'cause I was doing it for the entire night.
I felt that I had totally wasted my time on nothing,
and all because I was desperately in love with the newly released "In Heaven" MV.
Definitely one of the best MVs I've seen for awhile.
D-A-E-B-A-K!!!
Schhol lasted for merely 3 hours today,
which is why Fridays are my best day of the week^^
Even though it ended early,
I went somewhere else before heading home,
and today,
I got to know a new friend heehee^^
Actually,
I've seen her a couple of times and all along I've thought she was cold and difficult to talk to,
which is why I had never tried to.
But today,
as there was no one else around,
we just had to talk.
And wola!
We became instant friends^^
Even better than some of the rest I've been talking to for so long.
I realize we're similar in a number of ways and I'm looking forward to a beautiful new friendship^^
I really love making friends (good friends that is) ^^

Speaking of friends,
Ade Jung phoned today^^
It's been a while since we last met and hearing her voice on the phone instead of seeing her texts just makes me happy teehee^^
So we chatted about her life, mostly school,
and all the way to JYJ again :DD
And I'm meeting her next Tuesday for lunch,
just before I go on my trip to Genting^^
So afterwards I went on to complete my CHA Lab Worksheet,
did my proj. research,
and then decided maybe I should just rest today.
Lol.
Even though I know I should be starting like now,
my heart just don't want to begin.
Procrastinating, yes.
Maybe I'll start on Sunday.
Ohh yes I'll start on Sunday.
If you're wondering why it's Sunday,
it's because I'm going down to Lavendar with mummy to get my new passport tomorrow^^
I'm so glad I finally got rid of that old passport >.<
But anyways,
I'm heading down to Lavendar,
which means there's also a high possibility of me going down to Bugis as well.
Maybe I should get some new clothes for the trip?
Ooooooh!
I'm so excited heehee!
But I heard it's not that cold anymore.
I wish there would be like fog everywhere,
so it's like some dreamland in the middle of nowhere haha.
But most of all I just hope the trip will be a safe one,
and that all of us come back safe, satisfied and happy(:

Ahhh it's gonna rain soon,
love it when the weather's like that,
windy and all.
I'm gonna go off now,
gotta shower and then catch Running Man at 6.23 later on(:
Seeya people!^^
And ohh,
HAPPY RECESS WEEK TO MEEEEE~
^^

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

True friends are hard to find,
not to even mention true love.

I want to believe in everlasting friendship,
but there are people who make this so hard.
But then again,
nothing lasts forever in life.
So who am I trying to kid?
To think that I've always been trying to make things better,
putting myself in a position so vulnerable and insignificant,
when all I should do is let things unfold on their own.
Now I just want to go back to the people and places that are truly important.
I miss the old days.

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Monday, September 12, 2011

Every man for himself.

This morning I walked pass my void deck and to my horror,
saw this foreign worker picking up jellies clogged at the drains using his bare hands and putting them into his so-called "dustpan" (you know those dustpans made of an old tin cut into half and secured to a stick, yeahh that's his dustpan).
At that moment,
I don't know why my heart simply went out to him.
I rummaged through my bag for my pack of tissue but realize I've finished it and had forgotten to replace with a new one.
In the end I could only walk by helplessly as he continued picking up possibly hundreds of the remaining jellies at the drain site.
As there was a wedding at my void deck yesterday,
the void deck was loaded with thrash,
and apparently,
leftover food.
I have no idea why the jellies had been at the drain but surely,
someone or some people had thought that someone or some people would clean up their mess.
And clearly,
someone did.
He didn't even have any gloves on.
Just him and his bare hands.
That sight bugged me for the whole of today,
really I couldn't help thinking about it.
Yes,
they are foreigners,
and yes,
they chose the job.
But sometimes showing a little more consideration wouldn't kill right?
If the people at the wedding hadn't caused the mess or had cleaned up properly after themselves,
the poor worker wouldn't have to do that.
Singaporeans think that even picking up a piece of flyer on the floor is dirty,
then what about picking up hundreds of overnight soiled food from the drain?
We only know how to say "this dirty, that dirty",
actually the truth is,
we're the dirtiest of all.
Who left all that litter on the floor?
Who couldn't be bothered to go that extra distance to throw your own thrash into the bin?
Who is forever waiting for the sweeping uncle or aunty or foreign worker to clean?
It's us.
Just stay back after national day parade and look at the dumpster you're standing in.
I just wish people could be a little more considerate,
even towards the most insignificant member of the society,
because even the ant serves its purpose in the community,
let alone a human.
Respect is key.

It's Monday blues everyone,
plus the weather,
it can possibly be Monday black.
Seriously,
the haze is really bad and people around me are either falling sick or already sick.
I've been really annoyed since this morning.
And seeing the haze get from bad to worse didn't help but add fuel to the fire,
as if there weren't enough already.
Have nobody thought of the consequences of their actions?
Is destruction the only thing you people are capable of?
Burn burn burn.
You people should just burn and die.
Man is such a hateful species.
I don't see the point why some of the people out there are still trying to save lives,
when all we should do is let them all die.
We are one disappointing race.
What will God say,
seeing us in such a state...
Man can't even save ourselves,
much less save the Earth.
So spare me all that shit about saving this and saving that.
Save yourselves from the damnation first man.

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Walking alone in the streets,
I suddenly felt a surge of feelings.
I don't know if they meant something,
but overall,
the mood's just negative.
I walked on,
with the songs playing in my earpiece.
And when it stopped at "Why",
I felt like crying.
But then I realized,
there was no tears left in me.
With everything's that's happened,
I realize that I'm slowly losing myself.
And it's sad knowing that even though I gave my best to everything as far as possible,
but in the end,
all I've had were just disappointments.
I thought that I could,
that I could in the darkest of your times,
light up a part of your life.
But being human,
we really do take certain things easily.
And now I've become a part of your expectations.
I know I should be living more for myself,
but because some people are important to me,
because I stil want you to be happy,
I try not to be selfish.
Yet,
all I've become is more weary than before.
Now I guess it's not a matter whether I want you in my life,
but whether I am still needed in yours.

I'm only human,
there is only so much I can do...
Putting on that smile 24/7 on my face doesn't mean I'm okay.
If you just knew...

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Suddenly I think this man has this crazy charm,
a charm like poison,
that once induced,
you're never getting it out of your system.
The only difference is,
we're all his willing victims.

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Saturday, September 10, 2011

The mood tonight is damn wrong.
Damn wrong.

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Friday, September 09, 2011

IT'S FRIDAYYYYY!!!^^

HAPPY MEEEEE~

And we just booked the tickets to Genting!

In 2 weeks it's bye bye sunny Singapore!

Can't hide the eggcitement, just cant!

Heehee :DD

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Thursday, September 08, 2011

Apparently, they're "From Heaven". Lol.

The boys are releasing a new album^^

They look so good here can.

Yoochun's feathers make it more heaven-like.

Lol but anyway Kim JaeJoong already looks like an angel so yeahh,

the concept fits perfectly haha.

Ohh mannn I can't wait for "In Heaven" :DD

Hell yeahh, they are so gonna own the charts.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Heehee XDD

Don't think that I've only been fangirling these whole time.

I've been working hard too.

So now I'm proud to say that I've cleared 2 research assignments,

all thanks to sacrificed fangirl-time, forgo-ed sleep, and a nice weather (pretty much).

Lol.

But I must say that the weather today is way better than that of yesterday's.

It was so warm yesterday my mood was majorly affected >.<

Ahh anyway I've spent 5 hours on the lappy,

which also means 5 hours on the radio XDD

I've been shuffling from 987 to 933 to 883 all the way.

Indeed, it's been quite a while since I listened to songs of a different language (other than Korean).

It's nice listening to songs of a language I can understand haha.

987 is still one of my fave radio station :DD

Ohh well, shall go off soon before my eyes decide to go blind from all that straining.

Byeeeeee for today! XDD

P.S GONNA BOOK TICKETS TO GENTING TOMORROW!

OHH GOSH I CAN'T WAITTTTTTTTT~ ^^

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Wednesday, September 07, 2011

Even though the weather's like so hot and sunny out there,

my heart is not the same.

Somewhere in there the dark clouds are gathering,

waiting for the storm that's coming.

Sometimes I very much want to just give in to the helplessness I feel,

the injustice I face,

and the strength I lack,

ever so constantly.

But each time this happens,

there's a voice bringing me back,

there's a light guiding me home.

Someway, somehow,

He always leads me home.

But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint
Isaiah 40:31

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Monday, September 05, 2011

TVXQ IS LOVE.

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Sunday, September 04, 2011

I must remember that my time here is but a temporary stay,
and that another place awaits.

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Saturday, September 03, 2011

Sometimes I feel so alone.
Not as in alone-alone,
but that even though I may be in a crowd of people,
talking to my friends,
or watching television with my family members,
I am still but one person.
I think we all get a little lonely sometimes.

Woke up this morning feeling a little cranky.
Attempted to sleep longer but my stomach was growling so much that I couldn't sleep further.
Finally got up to have breakfast,
packed my files by discarding away all the old notes and replacing them with new ones.
However,
that left me with little satisfaction.
This week seemed to have passed by slower than usual.
The days felt longer and I grew more tired.
Thankfully it's gonna be a pretty short week next week as I'm self-declaring Monday a holiday.
Lol.
And coincidentally it's mum's birthday and she has taken leave,
so we can spend the morning and perhaps afternoon together(:
Anyways,
it was TGIF yesterday and I spent it with Vyvy Tan and Meihong(:
Daphy had family commitments and could not join our 5 hour session of Monopoly deal followed by HTHT session @Island Creamery.
Lol Island Creamery has somehow become "our place".
And it'll probably feels weird if I were to come with some others in the future.
Because it was here that we forged so much memories and shared so many things together,
everything over a cup of double-scoop icecream(:
Anyways last night was probably the first time we talked about more in-depth issues,
with Vyvy that is,
cause Vy spends most of her time with another clique of friends and we hardly get such opportunities to get together in school.
Hahaha isn't it funny how we can get together as such close friends even though one of us belongs to another clique?
I guess that's how things work.
If Vyvy and I hadn't got paired up in our Effective Coms Test in the first sem we wouldn't have got this far together.
After last night,
I cherish this four-sided bond more than ever.
And I know we'll always be there for one another,
always.
Sometimes I'm so skeptical about my life cause I've received so much love from so many places.
And I wonder what if one day God decides that I've had enough love for a lifetime and takes them all away from my life.
And I'm definitely not someone who believes that good things are a usual part of my life,
especially with regards to people.
I guess I simply have people-issues.
But because of some of the amazing people who came into my life and stayed,
I cannot help but be selfish and hope that they'll remain here forever.

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Thursday, September 01, 2011

This is what makes my life worthwhile.

-With All My Heart, Alina ;