Underneath The Smile, The Pain Resides

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

The eve of the big paper...
and im slacking on the laptop!
LOL.
not exactly,
i came up mainly to do my online practice on the A&P website.
it's my first time using it today!
even though it's good practice,
it totally dampened my confidence level >.<
i had spent the entire day revising and revising and end up like not very effective,
cause when the questions popped out,
the terms all seem to be so foreign to me.
well, not all are, but yeahh...you get the point.
but still,
im quite glad tonight,
for it's the final paper tomorrow!
AWESOMEEE~ and afterthat it's 5 days of rest before my attachment on monday.
but i'll leave the worries for some other day instead.
right now all i can think about is completing my revision, do my best tomorrow, and then chill and relax^^
ahhh freedom is so near i can almost taste it.
shall sleep early tonight cause im gonna have to wake up early in the morning,
and i've gotta be 100% energized for the paper~
i know alot of brain cells will be murdered tomorrow >.<

that's all for today,
im feeeling sleepy already!
ahh can't wait for you to say good night today jae,
which i know you probably will,
but i'll have to go sleep now.
till tomorrow,
goodnight!^^

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

It's 2am and I can't get to sleep,
despite having woke up at 5.30 this morning.
I guess it's the work of the coffee i had earlier.
took the risk and drank coffee at 9 plus 10 awhile ago.
but it's alright.
im indulging in this peacefulness of the night.
no interruptions, no other distractions.
and more than that,
it's a time i can settle down and think.
it's been a great day, more or less.
managed to control myself relatively well in the afternoon and studied till 4pm before i succumbed to the weariness and drifted off to my bed.
woke up at 5.30, showered and went off to give tuition.
came home later in the night and somehow that self-control faded completely.
nonetheless i managed to complete what i had set out to complete, with a lot more self control.
came online at 11 plus, though i mentioned in the afternoon i probably won't come in tonight.
but yeahh...the power of my jae...can't say no.

Sometimes you're just yearning to see this someone so much you'd think your heart would stop.
And when you finally get to see this someone, you'd think of the pain behind all these and the burden you can't help sharing,
And that's when your heart starts aching.

Recently, I've seen those around me despair over the many adversities of life.
I think, we all need to be reminded of the possibilities we can achieve.
So for the people I love, who are undergoing difficult times and feeling like you can't go on further,
have a little faith in yourself and keep believing.

Sometimes all you need is hope,
hope for a better tomorrow;
hope for the strength to keep sorrows at bay;
hope to the end.

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Monday, November 29, 2010

i've only got 10 minutes so i'll just make it quick :DD

took my second last paper this morning.

i've been saying this alot over the weekends but still see the need to say this one last time:

thank god that it was a MCQ paper!

or it would have certainly been a one-hit KO for me today.

anyways,

i guess i did fairly okay

and the questions were not too difficult (well, most of them weren't)

so im hoping it'll turn out okay too.

now that im facing my final paper- the infamous Anatomy & Physiology,

im dealt with both excitement and fear.

excited that the exams are finally coming to an end;

fear because A&P isn't exactly a very good friend of mine>.<

even so, i'll do my best.

less time on the lappy will help with that.

which is why im using lunchtime to use the laptop now.

but you'll probably not see me in the night,

cause i really really need to study:\

despite having said that,

it's easier said than done,

considering that i just spazzed over the new videos uploaded today >.<

i hope i can be stronger and really focus later on.

it's raining~

really like it.

everything's good except for the fact that it makes me wanna cuddle up under my blanket and just go to sleep.

but not today,

made a promise to myself to clear several topics,

and i will,

i must!

Those moments of happiness,

no matter how short-lived they may be,

can last for eternity.

I believe.

For i know you'll continue to shine, ever so brightly;

Tohoshinki

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

A Cassiopeia's Number One.

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

I'm so overwhelmed with feelings tonight that I have no idea how to express myself, how to put my feelings into words that you can comprehend, because the feelings are so strong and there's just no words appropriate and close enough to bring out the meaning in them.

I'll just end here with this.

等我们老的时候, 你们依然是我最美丽的神话

AFTF.

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Saturday, November 27, 2010

My Mother.

I haven't been in the best mood lately,
often directing my anger at the wrong people and at the wrong time,
so much so that I hate myself.
This is especially so when I'm at home.
I would become so quiet,
very much unlike myself when I'm out there with my friends,
or with any other persons.
But at home,
I'm just...quiet...withdrawn.
Even when any one of them spoke to me,
I hardly even gave a response.
Consequently,
they couldn't care less and we stopped all communication, unless necessary.
So for a week, not more than 10 sentences were exchanged between me and my family members,
except for one.
My mum.
Even with the coldness I emitted towards her and the family,
she continued to call me every morning to ask if I had eaten and what I would want for lunch that day.
And each time,
despite my cold responses,
she'll say, "Ok, take care, love you".

I had only responded with a "yea, bye",
and never did I once felt guilty about it.
I shove any thought of guilt out of my mind,
convinced that she was just trying to make up for the love she had never given enough to this child.
For a week, it's been this way.
I was expecting her to explode any moment,
to shout at me like she used to,
asking why i was behaving this way.
But no, not this time.
This morning, I was in the worst mood ever.
She asked if I had wanted to go with her to get breakfast at pioneer mall.
I answered ok but halfway along the corridor I suddenly said I wanted to eat at home.
I knew I had just entered danger zone by saying that,
but again, nothing happened.
She said "Ohh, you sure? Ok."
and we walked back.
Again, I felt nothing.
Afterthat we went to JP.
Her, me and dad.
In the bus I suddenly mentioned I would want Andy's room, which is unoccupied as of now because he's sleeping in our room, on the mattress.
Again, I had expected her to explode,
she will never agree.
I was half-right.
She didn't say she agreed,
but she did not explode.
She asked me if there was any problems I was facing and also said that she doesn't want the family to fall apart.
I told her that I don't mean it that way, but in fact, I did feel like isolating myself and a room to myself will be easiest to accomplish that.
We dropped the subject.
I said even less in JP.
But still she came to me, despite the near silent treatment I was giving.
And even till we got home, she was still trying.
I went straight into the room when we got home, not bothering to help out with unpacking the groceries, which is what we'll normally do.
This time, I simply grabbed my notes and went to the room to study.
Later on, she came in.
I don't know why but I felt this burning fury inside me.
She said "Your father still has many days of annual leave to clear. During the holidays he'll take leave and I can get him to vacuum the room and help clean up the place, he said he'll do it. Then you can rearrange the room and do whatever you want with it."
I just said "mm".
She went on to saying, "The curtains quite old already, we can go get new ones, remember that time I told you in NTUC that one?"
I replied, "Ya, k"
"I shall go bath now, don't disturb you studying, later go bath k".
Throughout the conversation I was looking at my notes,
yet not really absorbing what I was reading.
Later I went off to pack the room, the wardrobe, the drawers and stuff.

I cannot say I don't know why I acted the way I did.
Lately, it seems to me that I'm not needed in the family.
They could go on living like normal even without me.
I guess I was jealous about how close Andy and Alicia have been,
that I'm unable to be part of their conversations as I don't play the games they do,
that I'm unable to join them for games because of my limited time due to studying.
And also due to the problems I was facing with my father.
All these, in a way, collided to become this massive ball of anger in me.
And I was blinded,
blinded from the fact that, someone cares, probably a million times more for me than for herself;
that for me she can smile though she's hurting.

Earlier we went to pioneer mall to have dinner,
just me and her, while the others already ate theirs.
As we walked down to pioneer mall,
I held her arm like I always did and apologised.
I said that I haven't been a good girl.
She said she had never felt that way but was only worried about me.
I felt I was the world's most sinful person.
As a mother, there's so much to do, so much to think about, so much so that she often forgets herself.
She has to make sure that her kids get to eat first before feeding herself.
She has to make sure that her kids each has enough to spend before checking her own wallet.
She has to make sure that they have warm water to shower in the morning that she has to wake up in the middle of the night to switch on the heater, every night, for 365 days, it's been that way.
But as a child, all that is expected from you is to be good, to be happy.
I feel that I have failed.

To my Abu, without complaints despite the amount of workload waiting for you everyday; the stress from work, the household chores, the worries you have for the family,
I'm sorry I haven't done enough to ease your burden,
but instead have added more to your already aching shoulders.
I'll be a better daughter.

You raise me up, to more than I can be.

They say, the child is a mother's greatest gift.

But I say, a mother is God's greatest gift.

Goodnight!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Awesome job tonight baby~

although I still don't like the fact that you've got so many hands on you tonight,

but you did great anyway!

sleep well tonight for another awesome night tomorrow!^^

JYJ hwaiting!^^

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Will it be okay if I live for myself this time?

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Friday, November 26, 2010

Life's a bubble.
Just when you start to dazzle in its beauty,
it pops,
and vanishes like it's never been there before.
And soon,
no one will remember,
that it once existed.
Because we're just one out of the many.
Is that it?

why the sudden thought?
because of the fact that i've never given much thought to it,
to my life, that is.
everyday seems like a routine for me.
there's always something to accomplish, a goal to reach.
so much so that i've let it take lead.
so much so that the steering wheel's no longer in my ownership.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

woke up at 6 today, surprisingly refreshed.
sleep really does wonders for the body!
anyways,
even though my paper's at 9am,
i left home at 7 as i've got to take a bus, then a train, then a bus, and then another bus to get to my exam venue-.-"
seems like quite an adventure XD
anyways,
the venue's at PGP and i was rather amazed at the fact that we're having an examination in the hostel site.
and i've got to mention,
i really really like the living environment of PGP.
for one, it's located real close to nature,
such that it's in close proximity with the trees and everything.
and there're no other buildings to block the view.
it just feels like a good place to be living in.
i bet the air's fresher too, with all those trees and stuff:DD
all it needs now is a coat of new paint across the exterior walls of its building.
it looks kinda old and worn-out from the outside >.<
as i was saying,
i had my exam in an exciting new place.
LOL.
but the feeling eventually faded as soon as i took my paper.
it's Nur113 Active Ageing in Singapore today.
everyone unanimously agreed that it was a tough paper.
but even so, i cannot hide my disappointment.
i've been doing much thinking lately,
and when the scripts were being collected this morning,
it suddenly hit me that everything that has happened to me had merely been occasions of sheer luck,
or life's own plan for me, as i like to put it.
(prior to this, i have typed out a long entry,
but publishing it will reveal more than i had wanted to,
and it'll trace back to a long time ago.
hence, i've decided to edit this out)
anyway,
my point is,
there're many things in my life right now that i feel i don't deserve;
that they all came to me out of coincidences.
but i must say that, in a way, im blessed.
even though i do not know, and will never know what the outcome will be like if i had taken a different path,
im satisfied, more or less, with everything i have now.
perhaps i could have chose differently,
perhaps i could be happier than i am now,
but i guess life needs to have its fair share of regrets,
something to look back and say "I could have..."
even so, right now, i will cast that aside,
it's not the right time to think about it, not tonight.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

something else in mind now:
i like their tweets tonight(:
let the weather be good tomorrow!
it'll be a breathtaking performance, no doubt!
but i have my doubts as to how i will be able to concentrate on my anat & physio this weekend.
it's alright, self control alina!
will mug like hell in the day and spazz in the night! XDD
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

im so sorry this post seems to be in fragments,
but expressed closely to the thoughts i have in my mind now, fragmented.
im worrying about this and that,
stressed out over this and that,
and feeling insecure about this and that.
it's just too much i can't seem to find the right way to express them properly.
and also too much i can't exactly write them here.
shall save that for the diary afterwards.
guess that's all for my friday night,
a night that i desperately need closure with.
goodnight people.

you're looking at me, but do you really see...?

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Dark chocolate for the wounded soul.

ais.
i wish today had been better.
i wish i had been better.
what a tiring day.
i feel so drained.
i don't wish to think about anything else.
someone relieve me of my burden please!
im starting to feel like i can't carry on.
it used to be "The heart is willing but the flesh is weak".
now the heart's not willing either.
in fact, it wants to stop.
maybe everything should stop here.
and i'll finally be at peace;
not haunted by the pressure i feel everyday,
not burdened by the responsibilities i have,
not overwhelmed by the amount of troubles that are seemingly infinite.
i can't think right,
guess im just worn out.
but sleeping seems so undesirable right now,
because i know that after sleeping, tomorrow will come and that's when i would've wasted precious time, when i could be doing something productive instead.
i don't know what i am feeling anymore.
is it just the tiredness or is there something else...?
the only comfort i had as of today was that 1hour28minutes with adejung,
the rest seems like a blur to me now...
even having said that,
i know that i must sleep,
for tomorrow will be another intensive day.
i hope with adequate rest i'll be feeling better tomorrow!

it seems like the day has just started for my jae.
although it's already 1 plus, he's tweeting quite alot XD
5 tweets in a span of 10 minutes, you're active haha!
and he's gone to exercise~
i should be just as hardworking.
to do so, i need my sleep,
so goodnight people!^^
sleep well!
especially you, buddy wong!
SLEEP!

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

a little sidetrack from DBSK,
only for today haha XD

his name is 倪安東,
it's in chinese 'cause he was sort of "discovered" and "groomed" in taiwan.
originally, he's called Anthony Neely(:
first caught my eye when he performed in 《超級星光大道（第五屆)》
guess i don't have to mention the good looks but much more than that,
it was his personality, and voice of course, that led him to fame in such a short period of time.
recently he released his first album!
and the song, "Sorry That I Loved You" made an impact on me the first time i heard it on tv.
this guy's not only a singer, but composer as well.
he wrote the lyrics of the song along with another composer.
ahh overall, im pretty impressed with this boy, one of the very few persons who can get my attention now^^

and twitter's been quiet today.
i hope they're doing well.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Being exposed to and aware of the unfortunate events happening around the world due to Man's infinite greed, makes me despise myself further,
for I'm part of this clan made for destruction and pain.
But I know where there is evil, there is also good.
Where there is hatred, there is also love.
I can only choose to believe in the latter.
Till the world learns how to live with each other, there will be no peace.
It's awful, but it's the truth.

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace.”
-Jimi Hendrix
but then again, if this can be achieved,
God wouldn't have needed to create Heaven, would he?

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Monday, November 22, 2010

nothing beats a nice serving of chocolate pudding after a draining paper^^

and in a flash,
it's gone!

Lol.
woke up at 7 today,
despite sleeping at 1 plus last night.
i was trying to get as much sleep as possible as my paper's in the afternoon and i wouldn't want to be feeling all restless and stuff.
but apparently, that didn't work out,
i mean the "trying to get as much sleep as possible" part.
so i woke up early and found myself with nothing to do,
technically, i found myself with nothing i want to do.
the tension was suffocating and i found it harder to breathe with the passing of each minute.
i don't know how to say this but the paper today totally stressed me out.
haven't been sleeping well,
neither have i been eating well either.
like i mentioned, it feels like alevels all over again.
and it's a dreadful feeling to be experiencing:\
unable to tahan further,
i went down at 11 to sit at the busstop.
perhaps i just needed someplace to head to.
so i sat at the busstop for a good half an hour to calm my nerves before taking the bus to meet meihong.
the entire MPSH was crowded with students today,
i still foolishly thought we were the only ones taking exams there-.-"
anyway, the crowd did not help and i became more nervous than before,
seeing students sitting at a corner doing last-minute mugging.
i swear i could have died of a heart attack>.<
so after 30 minutes of looking blankly into the notes,
we went into the hall.
it was smaller than i had expected.
and i was labelled No. 001
it's been so long since im No. 1.
it feels weird, cause im so used to seeing ade jung sitting infront of me during exams, especially major ones like this.
and yeahh... it's just different.
and so the paper of 2 hours began.
at first i was sweating like crap,
i don't get why some of my peeps still put on cardigans haha.
it really wasn't that cold,
or was it because of the nerves?
i must say that i really panicked in the first 15 minutes.
the first question came as a shock initially and i know i don't have much materials to refer to >.<
my already dampened confidence was dampened further when my pens didn't work properly.
the ink came and go,
and i was so close to throwing it on the floor.
to think it was a new one somemore-.-"
and i checked it the night before!
hmph!
throughout the paper,
the contents of the message i received earlier kept flashing in my mind.
guess that's also partly why i moved on and gave my all even though there were so many times i sighed to myself...
surprisingly, the rest of the questions were pretty doable(:
anyhoo, i guess i managed the paper fairly okay.
all i can say is i've done my best,
and won't want to think back about it again(:
so, now it's 1 down, 4 to go!
hwaiting!^^

anyway, i was really drained when i got home,
so much so that i cancelled my tuition appointment for tonight.
and as i was about to fall asleep on the sofa.....
ade jung appeared!
lol.
i wasn't dreaming,
she just came in through the door~
and for a moment there, i was quite surprised XD
turns out she has an appointment afterwards and decides to pop in:DD
later, i found out her reason was this...

i feel the love~
from both of you!
hahaha XD
everything that i want to say is in the message,
so i won't reveal too much here(:
<333

now, to the second final event of the day,
happy birthday lao ba!
you 45 year old-70 years old man!
(what im trying to say is he's 45 but he's behaving like a 70 year old >.<)
recently he's been nagging too much >.<
anyway we had a mini celebration earlier,
sorry no pictures cause they're all in the family camera.

hah you must be wondering what's the final event of the day,
but even if you don't,
i'll say it anyway,
it's spending quality time with my lappy^^
actually it's spending quality time with the boys,
there's no better reason to come up :DD
and the 3 boys are making my heart flutter in twitter >.<
the concert next week will be awesome, no doubt.
ahh the only sad thing is i won't be there physically^^
but spiritually, yes, for sure hahaha!

the day started out on the rough side,
but i must say it ended quite beautifully,
with new memories!
let's create more!
can't wait for the exams to end so that i can spend more time with the people i love.
wait for me!

shall end off now to indulge in my extracurricular activity- spazzing.
sleep early people!
don't burn out just yet, it's only monday!
as for yours truly, i've got no school tomorrow so i can afford to burn hahaha XD

P.S. just felt this sudden urge to say,
sometimes even though i don't say it, it doesn't mean i don't mean it.
and even though i don't show it as often as i should, i do care,
and i hope to let the people who mean something, know.
goodnight(:

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Tonight,
I receive the best gift of my life.
A friend who can walk with me to the end.
Words are never enough.

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Saturday, November 20, 2010

JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP JUMP! JUMP! JUMP! JUMP!

YAY I FEEL DAMN HIGH NOW!

SEE WHAT A 3 MINUTE VIDEO CAN DO TO ME?!

hahaha!

and now the song Empty's playing on repeat at max volume through my earpiece

and i feel myself almost grinning like an idiot into the laptop screen~

but it's alright,

CAUSE IM LOVING IT~

today was AWESOMEEE~

woke up at 10 today and went off to study for my effective communication!

you must be wondering,

"What the hell" right?

Communication also need to study?!

but strangely, yes.

there IS theory to communication people.

no wonder we have so many misunderstandings in the world today!

hahaha effective communication should be made compulsory!

ahh anyways im not here to mention how effective my study for effective com is.

here's the awesome part: i've been slacking for the rest of the day!

LOL.

went to watch Harry Potter in the afternoon and omg it was as good as i had expected.

well-adapted,

good graphics,

and simply awesomeee^^

i'll be looking forward to the final installment of this masterpiece.

hahaha i say this in the perspective of an extremely biased harry potter fan,

so don't bombard me if our views differ XD

had dinner after the movie and came home.

slept till it was 7 and woke up with the intention to study again.

apparently, it was a somewhat failed attempt, but i managed to clear week 4(:

ade jung called and we chatted for an hour and 5 minutes!!!

LOL.

i feel so hyped talking to her and my mum later asked if i was crazy, cause she said she kept hearing me laugh in the room-.-"

and because we mentioned so much about JYJ/DBSK,

i couldn't resist the urge to use the laptop >.<

so here i am, spazzing!

Lol but before that i spent an hour searching for something on the net>.<

won't go into the details, but whoever you are, you know horr!

i don't do this for anybody hehh!

and i just reaffirmed that im a techno-idiot >.<

we just don't click.

hah anyhoo,

im happy as a birdie right now~

gonna spend the remaining of my night feeling this way,

before i go back studying tomorrow!

chillax people,

it's saturday night~

WHY CAN'T YOU LET IT GO~

LET IT GO, LET IT GO~

THUMBS UP FOR ALL THE SHOWCASES^^

NEXT STOP, CONCERT IN SEOUL!

^^Y

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Friday, November 19, 2010

sorry, third and final post of the day!
i feel EMPOWERED!
YES, EMPOWERED!!!

shoo shoo all the negativity and hello positive thoughts!

like he said, positive thinking is good(:

i shall throw away all that bad energy and embrace good ones.

time to study!^^

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Lol.
2 hours on the laptop and have achieved nothing.
the nursing theories and models are making my eyes hurt and my head spin.
ohh right, i did achieve something- immense headache that is.
it's so bad i can't even listen to music on my headache,
it's as if every note makes my head throb.
ahh what a wasted morning >.<
i was expecting some major accomplishment since i woke up at 6 this morning.
thought i'll do some studying on the net but looks like that failed, miserably.
too many words, too little motivation.
i still prefer reading from hard copies.
the net is meant for happier things,
i don't like to involve "work" into it haha XD
ais anyways this paper is really giving me a hard time,
even though it's an open book one-.-"
i'll say that the department heads have done wonderfully.
even with an open book examination,
students are stressed over it and much more than that,
we are even studying for it!
and because of this,
i've been feeling so damn uneasy everynight before i sleep,
thinking if i've printed the right stuff and been reading the right things.
i felt like i could die.
what's worse is that the paper's 60% and when i looked at the questions,
i thought it was from a different module-.-"
yeahh it's that bad.
somehow it hit me that going for PIP lectures for a semester was a waste of time seriously.
i could've went to the library, zap some books, and the outcome would still be the same.
bleahh >.<
with that,
i shall end here, before i go on ranting about my Active Ageing paper next friday,
which i have absolutely no idea what is it about since we don't have anything proper to study from in the first place!
gosh.
no wonder they say university is different.
the only difference is that you don't get to learn.
exam papers don't get returned.
there're no worksheets for practice.
zzz i don't know what am i studying for...
the knowledge or the degree?

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

morning!
it's unlike me to be blogging in the morning but i guess that's the only thing i have the mood to do now.
nothing seems to interest me now.
i've been avoiding the laptop.
and for a day,
i've been successful.
and if it's not because of my PIP exam on monday,
i wouldn't even been looking at it.
i remember saying that it's my source of happiness.
but lately i realised,
with happiness comes sadness as well.
maybe it's the mood swings,
maybe reality just hit me,
i was thinking how long this happiness can last...
i was thinking how much i can do to make this happiness last.
so little, too little.
and so the heart aches on...

Lol.
i don't think anyone will get this so just ignore the above haha.
just something i felt i need to vent.
so yeahh...
i will post again soon!
this time, something understandable.

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Tell me it's not the end...
cause that's what the signs are saying;
To go back.

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Okay i know that i mentioned (tweeted) that i'll study today,
but apparently, i didn't (oops) :X
you'll know why.
started the day at 8 in the morning.
went out and came home at 4pm.
shall not go into details bout that.
anyways,
had a talk with my mum afterthat.
i managed to pour everything out to her,
how i felt and what i want to feel in the family.
i don't know why i had that courage to bring this up or how i even managed to do it in the first place,
but it is not something i regret.
mum was really willing to listen this time round,
and im quite glad that we achieved a somewhat mutual understanding.
the talk had calmed me down alot and i feel happier now^^
after dinner,
spent an hour plus chatting with ade jung^^
it's been some time since we last chatted like this.
it feels so nice to have someone you can talk to,
about just anything under the sun.
and time feels like it's never gonna be enough><
till next time, take care of your health ade jung!
some things it's better not to delay,
im here if you should need me(:
so after the chat i went off to rewatch Mnet Music Fest '06,
featuring the all-awesome TOHOSHINKI!!!^^
no need to elaborate,
they simply owned the stage full-stop ;)
and after watching that,
fan-girl alina kicks in and i was off to spazzing on my lappy~

JYJ in New York Showcase:

BABY~
his charm is endless.

ms ade jung will kill me but i've still gotta say,
ah su looks too hot~

micky.
the man who killed so many girls with his shirt "accident"
daphne was like "that's the best accident everrrr"
hahaha :DD

From New York to Las Vegas!

looking good in everything,
but then again, he looks good in anything~

and this marks the end of my day!^^
i will be a good girl tomorrow and start mugging,
this time for real;)
tomorrow muggeralina will take charge!
gooood night people!!!^^

P.S the weather's simply awesomeeeee.
my favourite kind~
i wish someone will take me out for a spin now~

P.S.S W's sucha awesome awesome song im Wified;)
i've gottta listen to it at least 20 times before i can get to sleep ><

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Annyeonghaseyo^^
been spazzing the whole day,
which explains my incredibly good mood^^
finally managed to have a good sleep last night and woke up at 12.15 today,
i love the idea of not having to bother about what time to get up^^
yepp and spent the rest of my afternoon watching Tohoshinki's The Secret Code at Tokyo Dome^^
that was when i felt so overwhelmed,
once again,
by the 5 of them,
even though i've watched that concert for several times already.
and with that,
3 hours passed and by the time it ended,
it was 6 plus.
showered and went on spazzing on the lappy><
new york's showcase was awesome but i realise that there isn't much coverage on my jae lol ><
anyways,
they were great, as always^^

MY ENERGY SOURCE:

LOVE LOVE LOVE <333

CASSIOPEIA.
i really like this.

tonight,
im a fangirl through and through:D

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

when a family can't even bother coming down to fetch their girl late at night,
you'll know you don't have to count on them for anything else...
that's how i've been feeling tonight,
disappointments.
the day began fairly well,
i was in a pretty good mood for this is the last day of my attachment and i was experiencing a major relief.
no more late nights and early mornings.
no more deprivation of my loves ><
but i must admit that i was just beginning to enjoy the process,
as in observing the procedures performed and gaining deeper insights into the real world of nursing,
no longer protected in our own world,
filled with perceptions and misconceptions.
and the attachment not only brought me closer to the real world of nursing,
but also closer to my mates as well.
some of us started out as strangers but we've now become friends(:
beginning the day together, lunching together and leaving together,
i really hope this feeling continues even after attachment is over.
im glad to have gotten to know more people whom i wasn't really acquainted with before.
and they're all nice people, really(:
anyway after attachment we had our photoshoot back in NUS at NSL.
honestly,
it was quite a waste of time but we did it anyways><
went to jp with the girls, the HP gang, the dingdongs, whatever you call that,
to have dinner.
everywhere was packed and we decided to head to feast to check it out.
seats were hard to come by and we had to stand around to wait for them lol.
by the time we got our seats, it was like 10 minutes later?
and by the time we decided on our food and bought them, it was another 15 minutes later><
in the end,
all 4 of us had steamboat lol.
it was pretty good i must say, and at an affordable price.
the ingredients were worth it too^^
at least the seafood one (which i ate) was.
shared our encounters with the paranormal during dinner and everyone was like kinda spooked.
i don't remember why we went into this subject in the first place though.
but i like listening to these stories,
though i'll freak out afterwards, especially on my way home, alone><
after dinner,
we were to surprise ivy tan with a birthday celebration,
which is supposedly next thursday,
but because we will all be busy mugging next week,
i guess there's hardly any chance for that,
so we decided to celebrate it earlier.
wanted to have it in haagen das at first,
but due to the limited number of seats and overwhelming prices,
we switched to swensens instead.
there, we ordered regular earthquake and placed 19 candles on it.
the funny thing was,
the waiter probably didn't know it was supposed to be a surprise and he actually lighted the candles when he arrived at our table.
and ivy the blur still didn't get what was going on><
i mean it in a good way lol.
at least she was surprised,
although operation surprise ivy tan was abit of a failure.
i think she was surprised and fairly touched for she expressed these emotions via her insanity afterwards.
the photos are not uploaded yet but when they are,
i'll probably post them here(:
loads of unglam shots but more crazy shots lol XD
ahh overall i had a great time^^
what a wonderful way to end off the week,
and especially after a grueling week of attachment:D
ohh and i learnt something new today,
TGIF actually means "Thank God It's Friday"!
ahh they went nuts looking at me figuring it out><
i'll keep that in mind girls.
let's have more TGIFs together^^
ohh and im quite apologetic for not going to the farewell dinner for kevin and jinwen:(
im sorry!!
but i met them on the bus earlier,
and i saw madeleine too!!!
it's so nice to see her and talk to her after so long^^
i realised nothing much has changed and im glad that our friendship stayed that way^^
she was saying how people change once they're not studying together and stuff and how once good friends can become mere "hi-bye" friends due to distance and separation.
i felt quite sad to hear that but still i know it's true.
it's really awkward if things really turn out that way.
i hope things like this don't happen to me.
friends,
even though we may be busy with our own stuff now,
do message, msn, facebook, tweet, whatever, just keep in contact,
cause even though we may not be bounded by class or by workplace,
i still treasure each friendship and i hope we can still chat up whenever we meet each other, be it in the bus, in the mrt or in the mall(:
i need to make time for meet-ups too.
top on my list are my QIAN-ER, ADEJUNG, BUDDY WONG!
im so sorry that i can only be free after 20th dec due to my attachment,
but still,
do find time to see me!^^
recently, qian-er posted on my wall, and i feel that my heart would melt when she said she missed me,
cause i was afraid that things may change,
considering that we don't see each other frequently and it's been like 3 years since sec 4?
so i was pretty happy when she left that message on my wall(:
i cannot tell you how much i wish to go back to the times when we were sec 4,
simply crapping our days away and laming through with you(:
i miss you too!^^
as i was saying,
i met madeleine while waiting for the 242 bus,
we chatted, shared alittle of our lives now and exchanged numbers,
we should hang out one day too haha!XD
and now for the reason im so upset.
i seriosuly think that my relationship with my family is too damn jialat ><
whenever the thread is almost fixed,
it has to be broken again.
i honestly don't know how to carry on living like that.
today for instance,
i called my dad to come down to the busstop to pick me up,
cause it was late and somehow, i just wanted someone to fetch me home.
he said "how long later?"
i told him "about 15-20 minutes"
and he said ok.
about 10 minutes later, he called again from home and asked if i had reached.
i told him i was still waiting for the bus to come and he can come down 10 minutes later.
he said ok again and hung up.
later, when i was almost at my busstop,
he called again from Home and asked if i had reached.
i happily told him that im reaching in 2 stops,
but the next thing he said was "you come up by yourself huhh."
it somehow, shattered my heart.
i still foolishly told myself that he might be just bluffing and that he may appear suddenly at the busstop waiting.
but he wasnt.
i know that for some people,
this is a trival matter and it's childish to be upset about it.
but to me, it's important.
as a daughter i just want to feel cared for.
i just want to know that im still important.
but no, they couldn't even do just that.
it's not the fetching part that i care for,
it's whether or not they bothered to accede to even the simplest request their daughter had.
at that moment,
i knew, i cannot rely on them for long.
one day they'll let go completely and i've got to be ready.
that day is drawing near, i know.
parents always think that their kid longs to be free and are dying to leave.
but never do they realise they're the ones who let go in the first place.
at least for me, that's the way it is.
and nowadays,
whenever my father speaks to me,
it's only "You use laptop use till how long? Faster off lahh."
if not he'll just be reprimanding me for something else.
and about the same goes for my mum.
at times, i feel so alone at home.
there's no one i can really talk to and the only ones i can talk to aren't exactly interested in my life.
andy and alicia are living in their own world now,
and even when i really need to share something,
they wouldn't really listen anyway.
for it's my problem.
and im so afraid of getting hurt by a family member again.
what else can i do but hiding in the room in the middle of the night, tearing, typing.
all i need is a listening ear and a caring soul,
why can't you all do just that?
why...?

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Why so lovable?

The reason why I can smile at the laptop for 5 hours.

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Tuesday, November 09, 2010

guys are so charming when they're at work *.*

that seriousness they emit,

it glows like a flame.

and they don't go all out to impress,

that's just attractive mannn.

that is true, at least for me it is.

i fall easy with a guy at work.

of course, you gotta be cute too;)

hahaha.

don't take this too seriously.

im just overwhelmed cause i saw this guy the other day.

and i must say im impressed XD

ahh blog further after this week.

im gonna be busy till friday when my attachment ends.

have got plenty to post!

so till then,

take care people!

the weather's turning chilly so keep warm too^^

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Sunday, November 07, 2010

if i have the $,
the first thing im gonna get is my very own laptop.
yesh.
alina's personal lappy;
MINE!
MUAHAHAHA!
and nobody can say shit about the hours i spend on it nor the websites i visit!
yes!
even having said that,
im actually kinda annoyed inside.
i know that this is gonna disappoint you ade jung,
but things ain't getting better:(
i don't see the need trying to make them understand anymore.
even after having dropped so many hints,
they still don't get it,
perhaps they don't even want to get it.
im just tired of talking to them,
it gives me nothing but anger;(
and the best way to win a war is to avoid it,
which is exactly what im doing now.
i keep telling myself it's not easy for them either.
but sometimes it seems that im the only one showing that much consideration.
they simply can't bother:(
im feeling so stressed up and worried for my attachment tomorrow:(
and all i need is some assurance,
yet it's something they can't give,
or rather, something they don't see the need to give.
because im the child growing up first.
because i can sort it out on my own.
because im not as important...
that's how i've been feeling.
that's what they made me feel.
they satisfy my material needs; more or less,
but that gapping hole in my heart is never going to be mended.
too many times i called out,
but they never seem to see me.
and when they finally did,
i realize i don't need it anymore.
i will manage.
and tomorrow,
just like all the other times before,
i will manage.

sometimes,
all i need is 3 words.
"How are you?"
but you never asked.

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Saturday, November 06, 2010

i just love this song.

and because of this,

i spent the last hour and a half trying to figure out how to go about changing my playlist for the blog.

it was so irritating,

cause apparently mixpod changed their embed code for blogger to the same as myspace.

so it'll turn out differently from my previous playlist.

to make things worse,

all the alignments went wrong and i ended up having to redo my template again.

but i guess i can say that im more or less satisfied now.

with the song playing in the background now,

it's just gratifying^^

anyway,

today was a peaceful day for me(:

i didn't bothered to set an alarm last night and woke up at 11am this morning,

which felt awesome cause it's been some time since i last slept without setting up an alarm.

this time,

i just slept all i wanted^^

spent the rest of the day at my popo's house.

sadly, my lappy appears to be a stay-home lappy and it can't seem to work with the internet connections elsewhere-.-"

i know this sounds strange but it's true.

i brought my lappy once to school and once to my popo's house during chinese new year

and it couldn't access the internet on both occasions.

perhaps i just suck when it comes to electronics XD

anyway,

due to the absence of a laptop and a lack of SCV channels at my popo's house,

all i could do was sleep to pass time.

but despite having said that,

i still love going to see my popo^^

she cooks the best stuff mannn!

for one,

she makes porridge taste like a delicacy!

and im quite certain that if we were to stay together,

i'll definitely gain quite a few kilos;)

it's 3.04am now.

guess i shall sleep then(:

buddy wong are you still up?

if you are, do go sleep now!

AND BABY JUST UPLOADED THIS ON TWITTER!!!

OMG~

are you trying to kill me?!

alrighty.

i shall head back into the arms of my jae now(:

keep in mind that i love you~

P.S

sometimes,

all you need is a pat on the back...

and you gave me much more than that,

i'm too lucky to have you!

KEEP IN MIND THAT I LOVE YOU TOO^^

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Friday, November 05, 2010

i haven't been this happy for a long time now,
and it's all because of you, my friends(:
i must say, the day didn't start out the way i wanted it to,
in fact, it started out as what i would call "downright horrible".
my dad hadn't given me money to buy the shoes for my attachment next week,
even though i had already mentioned it to him the night before.
and because of that i had to dig into my already sucked-dry savings to pay for those shoes.
and when i called him,
it was barely 2 minutes before he received a second line and told me to wait.
so i sat there waiting for his call to end.
in the end, he apparently forgot my presence and hung up totally,
when i waited for 10 minutes like a fool.
i know this is childish but i cried after that.
i didn't quite see the need to call back anymore.
sometimes i get this feeling that my parents don't exactly see the need to support me financially anymore,
simply because i give tuition.
but hello, i only get $160 out of that job.
it's not as if i earn $1600 a month.
and if that's the case,
i wouldn't even be needing pocket money anymore.
it just breaks my heart how fast they change their attitudes when it comes to money matters.
anyway i went out of the house sulking and feeling all miserable,
i wish my application for sponsorship will be approved and there wouldn't be a need to fret over this again.
sometimes you just wonder if they really do care, even when they say they do.
and sometimes the way they show care is simply...epic (if that's the right word).
for instance,
my mum will show it by reprimanding me of my excessive usage of the laptop.
i take it that she's concerned about the wellbeing of my eyes,
when honestly she thinks that im not spending enough time with the family because of the lappy.
arghh whatever.
this is supposed to be a happy post!
so i shall save my rantings for next time instead!
anyway things took a turn from the moment i met buddy wong on the bus!
as i mentioned to her,
it has been 20000 years since i last saw her.
and she's sick:(
my buddy wong is sick!
and little ms stubborn refuses to sleep earlier!
im now her personal nurse btw XD
(take care of yourself or i'll poke you!!!)
anyway, it felt really nice to talk to her after all these time when we were both busy with our own stuff.
you know i miss you!!!
i hope we'll have more time to spend next time(:
ohh and thanks for the lapcoats too!
i know i can always count on you^^
so the day went by as usual, with the not-so-boring PIP lecture and the sleep-inducing anatomy hall and the ever so confusing physiology tutorial.
finally i survived till 6 and that's where all the fun began.
went to jp with daphne, ivy and meihong to shop for our shoes.
from the moment we boarded the bus to the moment we parted,
i don't think there was even a moment without laughter XD
im really really thankful for such awesome friends,
especially in university,
where "Friends Forever" probably hardly exists.
but i know for sure, they do here(:

after jp,
i went to "surprise" ade jung^^
been wanting to do something for her but because of the recent tests and stuff,
i didn't have the time and ended up doing something rather simple and although i feel apologetic about it, im glad she's okay with it^^
i'll keep everything you said to me tonight in my heart, always(:
and don't forget what i said to you either,
every word is a promise i make to you^^

tonight,
the word "Friends" mean so much to me.
even though there are times when i feel burdened because of you,
you're still as important.
i guess that's why we're friends,
for we can share weal and woe together,
for we can undergo trials and triumphs together,
for we can laugh and cry together,
and because of this,
i'll wanna give my all,
just for the smiles on your faces,
just to have you know that i cherish each and every one of you in my life.
I love you,

Friends.
朋友.
Freund.
Amigo.
친구.
Teman.
เพื่อน

i believe in friends forever(:

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Wednesday, November 03, 2010

Sometimes I wish I can do more...
more for the people around me;
more for you.

-With All My Heart, Alina ;

Monday, November 01, 2010

Im sick~

ahh i already knew this was coming.

all the late nights and improper meals.

who wouldn't fall sick...?

anyways, it's just a cold.

so not much of a big deal yet.

im more concerned about my aching shoulder though.

it's been aching more often lately,

and the pain scale's definitely higher than before as well.

i wanted to consult a doctor about it and my parents looked at me as if i've just mentioned a joke-.-"

then my mum went on to say that she wants to see a doctor as well.

it ended with all 4 family members with some need to see the doctor -.-" x2

i decided to let the matter rest for the time being.

anyways it's 2.03 am now!

i really ought to be sleeping but yeahh...

decided to post something before i do,

cause the days ahead will be relatively busy.

i've got my effective com CA this wednesday and clinical attachment starting from next week.

so yepp,

definitely less time here ><

this is not the saddest part.

the sad thing is less time spent with the boys haha XD

and thanks to our ever effective fansites(:,

there are always at least a dozen of news uploaded in a day.

and due to time constraint,

i've managed to somewhat master the art of speedreading.

it's amazing how a mere 5 minutes is sufficient to make me happy,

but of course, if time is not a limiting factor,

i wouldn't mind if it was 5 hours either.

so i'll just let it eat into my sleeptime for now.

guess this is possibly one of my best weekends ever.

it was really relaxing cause i cleared most of the workload for this week.

to add to that,

i've got no school tomorrow!!! :D

cause we postponed it to last friday.

AWESOME~

LOL out of a sudden im craving for food.

i want cereal!!!

and im debating with myself if it's a wise choice.

i can either keep it off my mind and go to sleep after this or go get my cereal now and probably sleep at 3 plus cause i can't sleep immediately after a meal and risk to worsen my condition.

hmmmm....

i shall decide at the end of this post hah!

ohh yeahh,

im going back to joyland for a visit tomorrow :D

will get to see the kids and hopefully,

they haven't forgotten me,

though i guess the possibility's quite slim.

i make sucha huge impact you know haha XD

i'll be expecting some form of crap from my boss though.

EX-boss.

he's been dropping hints for me to go back there to work.

LOL.

but too bad, though i can be really nice in other aspects,

i can't go back and work under your evil regime again XD

and ohh, i decided to skip the cereal.

im sneezing like nuts and my nose is stuck, thereby affecting my throat as well ><

Nursing diagnosis 1:

Runny/blocked nose r/t prolonged exposure to strong wind cum late nights plus improper meals.

Nursing diagnosis 2:

Itchy throat r/t runny nose

Nursing diagnosis 3:

Melting heart r/t my jae baby^^

well done in taiwan's showcase!

rest well for nowwww!^^

with that,

i shall end my post!

sleep early people!

especially buddy wong, whom i guess is still doing some kind of work now,

and the two-thirds of the 198 trio, daphne & meihong, whom im sure are chionging either synthesis or reflective journals now.

and my adejung, whom im guessing is still indulging in ah su~

heheh!

all sleep early kay!

it was a great sunday(:

and i hope monday will be so too(:

with you, i don't need wings to fly...

-With All My Heart, Alina ;