Underneath The Smile, The Pain Resides

THE GIRL

Arrived a gemini with a great deal of divided personalities. For one thing, I can laugh at one moment and be upset the next. But Im not the hardest person to get along with, certainly. I came to be me on 10th June 1991. Spent the last nighteen years of my life in attempts to piece myself together, and is still desperately trying. Family and friends are my life. At least that's the way it is till a boyfriend comes along XD Anyway, icecream's my addiction, my medicine, my must-have. Now you know how to make me happy. I dont need expensive gifts I just want a true heart. I'm majorly affected by the people around me. Can't say if it's a blessing or a curse, 'cause the little things people do can either make my day or simply make it worse. Just give me a smile, and I'll return one to you^^

KimJaeJoong: My Prince, MY Love, MY JAEBABY

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2E1`05 4E1`07
NUS NURSING
BUDDY
AIKSONG
BEETENG
BOONYANG
CHUANLIANG
DINGSIAN
CINDY
ERVIN
GUOTING
HONGJIE
HUILI
IRA
JEAN
JINWEN
JINXIAN
JINYI
JOCELYN
JUNRI
KARYAN
KELLIE
LUTING
MADELEINE
MINGHAO
OLIVIA
QIAN
REUBEN
SAMANTHA
SHAWN
SHENN
SHIQI
SHIRLEY
SOOKYING
STELLA
TAOYAN
TOMMY
VANICE
WEIFANG
WEIJIE
WEIXIAN
WENDY
XUANXIN
YANGMENG

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DESIGNER: ice angel

Brushes: aethereality.net

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Good morning world(:
As some of you may know,
and for those who don't,
I've been really busy lately.
To be exact,
my life has been thrown into a roller coaster ride ever since 1st March, last Thurs.
What a way to start off a new month.
I was home studying for my upcoming Patho&Pharmaco Test on Fri when my phone rang.
Dad called and told me that mum was sent to NUH A&E on an ambulance from her workplace due to breathlessness and blackouts.
There were so many thoughts running in my mind I didn't know what to think.
The first person I thought of calling was Meihong,
and being the very calm person that she is,
she advised me on what to do and of course calmed me down as well.
The idea of studying suddenly drifted off someplace really faraway,
and the rest of the afternoon was spent spamming calls to my dad and bro to find out more about my mum's condition.
The doctor decided that she needed to be admitted and that her breathlessness resulted from a heart condition but could not come to a specific diagnosis,
hence the admission,
cause she needed to stay for observation.
I couldn't head down to hospital because I had to pick Alicia up from school since she was still using crutches,
and also partly due to the fact that I still had to study,
plus the chores at home needed to be settled as well.
Thursday passed by with me not knowing what to do.
A part of me understands the fact that I have to carry the burden of my mum not being around and look after the younger ones,
but another part of me can't help but feel helpless without my mum.
I finally understood what the teachers mean when they lectured about "Blaming the victim".
I realized that when that feeling of helplessness was too overwhelming for me to bear,
I began to blame my mum for not taking care of herself well enough,
and always trying to push herself beyond her limits.
So when Friday came everything was in a mess.
I was late for my morning class,
Alicia forgot her water bottle,
dad didn't even get to eat a decent breakfast.
It hit me not how much we needed our mum around at home,
but how much responsibilities she had.
It is not easy having to run a family,
having to look after everything at home and work at the same time.
I had more respect for my mum more than anyone else.
She isn't superwoman,
because I believe superwoman wouldn't be able to handle the things that my mum does.
So needless to say,
I did badly for my P&P test.
I had anticipated that outcome,
but it did not stop the sadness from setting in.
I was affected by it for the entire weekend T.T
Went to visit my mum after school that day.
We didn't have the opportunity to talk much cause Pastor Peter was there when I arrived and when he left,
her colleagues came.
It wasn't until 8 plus at night when we had some time to our own.
I couldn't look into her eyes because inside of me there were still the feelings of "Blaming the victim",
I was angry that she landed herself into such a situation,
and I know I shouldn't be.
Finally before we left I cried.
I guess all the pent up anger, helplessness, and sadness could only be expressed with tears.
But it was a form of relief nevertheless,
and the tears kept streaming down for a good one hour.
Surprisingly I felt a whole lot better after that,
like a stone was lifted off my chest,
even though there were still other pebbles lying around,
but at least I was emotionally capable of handling things again.
Arrived home at around 11 plus that night and slept early in preparation for another long day the next day.
The whole of Saturday was spent in hospital as well,
with a failed attempt at studying cause my relatives came over.
Had dinner with my aunts and uncles and they drove us back.
Returned home slightly earlier that day as there was church the next day.
Attended church on Sunday morning and left for hospital to pick my mum up.
She was finally DISCHARGED!!! ^^
In the end the doctors concluded that it was pericarditis which is an infection of the sac that encloses her heart.
She was given an antibiotics regime and we left together for home!^^
We could all finally get a good rest(:
Woke up early Monday morning to prepare breakfast for my parents :DD
In the past I always thought that housework was a hassle and because mum was there to do them,
we didn't see the need,
nor the pleasure in doing them.
But when I actually tried doing them on my own,
I actually like them(:
I think this is what it's like being in a family,
to help out equally and contribute equally(:
Of course,
Andy and Alicia were very cooperative and Andy especially,
behaved much like the man of the family.
So we enjoyed a day of peace at home on Monday.
When all seemed to be going well again,
another drastic event happened.
I returned to school on Tuesday and in the middle of lunch my phone rang again.
This time it was my mum on the other side.
She was crying as she told I needed to be prepared.
I was damn shocked when she said that.
After trying to calm her down she told me that Alicia was admitted for appendicitis.
Okay even though it is not a good thing to be admitted,
appendicitis isn't a very severe condition.
Thankfully I had the knowledge to know that it's not a serious issue and could reassure my mum.
But even so I couldn't help but feel that life is so sad.
It's like my mum was just discharged and now my sis is admitted >.<
Went to visit her in the evening after school and saw my parents, Andy, my aunt and 2 of my cousins.
Alicia looked really sick and couldn't really hear properly what I said.
She was pushed into the OT later in the evening and we left for home.
Being the overly anxious mother that she is,
my mum was constantly worried that night.
Finally the call from hospital came around 10 plus 11.
Doctor said that the surgery went well and there probably wouldn't be any complications.
Everyone was relieved and we went to sleep.
Mother woke up early Wednesday morning and we had breakfast together.
While I left for school she left for hospital.
Wednesday was another long school day for me,
but also a happy one^^
Went to visit Alicia after school to find my mum sleeping haha XDD
Alicia looked slightly better but due to the GA she was still drowsy.
Bisbox came by afterwards and brought me to have dinner.
Bought back food for mum, and Bisbox and I left for school to study for another test on Friday.
Just arrived at school and my mum called again to say that there's many visitors and she couldn't handle so I had to walk back to the ward again.
Was pleasantly surprised to see my aunt and Aunt Mary, as well as Alicia's friends at YF around in the ward(:
Aunt Mary is someone I haven't met for a long time and I'm very happy to see her again!
She's still as sweet and loving as I remembered her to be(:
My aunt and Aunt Mary left early and I entertained Alicia's YF friends.
They were very nice people and I'm happy that Alicia has such good friends at YF(:
Sent them to have dinner afterwards before going back to school to study again.
It was already 8 plus by the time I got back and it wasn't long before we left and I met my mum again to cab back home.
So Wednesday ended with me staying up late to make a birthday card for Alicia(:
Thursday came and HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALICIA!^^
Even though this year's alittle special such that she's spending in the hospital,
we wanted her to feel the love nonetheless.
My parents left for hospital first in the morning while Andy and I headed there in the afternoon,
after lunching at JP and collecting her cake, and buying her a foil balloon to cheer her up(:
Arrived at the hospital around 2 plus.
My cousins and Alicia's YF friends were there and so we celebrated Alicia's birthday together.
Although it was celebrated in the hospital,
I think it's one of the best because it was the first time she's spending it with our cousins and her YF friends.
Alicia was looking a lot a lot better then,
and she could even walk to the toilet already heheh(:
Went back earlier with Andy and my cousins cause I had to study (again) for my test the following day.
Andy was really sweet to be accompanying me to study for my test until past midnight.
Because I never really prepared for it I was rather stressed.
Thankfully I had until Friday 6pm before my test and used the time to study.
Alicia was finally discharged on Friday 12pm!^^
Parents went to pick her up early in the morning while Andy and I got a good sleep haha XDD
Alicia was alot better and we were all glad that it was over^^
Thankfully my test went pretty okay too(:
Although I wouldn't say I owned it,
I'm just glad that I could finish it on time and there weren't too many regrets(:
So Friday ended just as pleasantly(:

Today,
finally I have the time to sort out my work and reorganize my life.
Looking back,
the past 9 days were a heck of a period,
not just for me but also for my family,
and even for some of my friends.
Despite these 9 days being a difficult time,
a part of me is actually thankful that it happened.
Maybe many would regard this as a "suay" event,
but I honestly don't think there's anything called "suay" in life.
Everything happens for a reason and I'm not saying I'm not sorry that it happened,
but there's always a flip side to a coin.
Because of these,
we became closer with our relatives,
and those who we hardly interact with in peaceful days.
It proves once again the importance of unity within a family and I'm very thankful that although we are not rich,
and obviously not very healthy,
but we are a happy unit.
I believe that trials can make us stronger and better people.
I'm also very thankful to the friends who stood by me during these 9 days because if not for them,
I probably wouldn't have made it,
at least not with such optimism and strength.
Thankful for Meihong, Daphne, Shuhuey, Bisbox and the many others who sent their regards and also took good care of me.
Especially Mei and Daph who took the time to send me messages everyday to ask about how I'm doing and would buy lunch for me even though I said I'm not hungry(:
Thank you the both of you who offered me encouragement and strength through,
and Daph who would listen to me rant about how stressed I am with the tests and how sad I was when I couldn't do well for P&P.
Thank you(:
Thankful for the relatives who showered us love and concern throughout,
thankful that this is an opportunity for us to bond and get closer(:
Thankful for Alicia's friends at YF and the friends at church for their prayers and regards(:
Thank you also for the time taken to visit and celebrate her birthday together at the hospital(:
Thankful for the family as amazing and strong as ours,
thankful for the father who is our pillar of support and source of courage.
Thankful for the mother who is beyond the strength of superwoman,
thankful for the brother who is there to create laughter admidst the weariness and tension.
Thankful for the sister who,
even though has undergone so many trials,
have never given up(:
Lastly but most importantly,
Thank the Lord who brought us through everything.
Thank You for the faith and for bringing the family back as one today.
Thank the Lord that even though I hadn't prepared much for my tests,
I could still finish my paper and I know I could have fared worse.
Without the Lord, nothing is possible,
and with the Lord, nothing is impossible.

-With All My Heart, Alina ;