It's 01.46 am right now and the rest of the family's asleep.I hadn't thought about posting anything tonight but I couldn't fall asleep and so,
have decided to spend my time here,
in this little happy space,
where I can be, well, just me.
Realize that there haven't been much to blog about lately.
Perhaps because I haven't been doing much either.
Or rather,
because there haven't been anything worth writing about these days,
in my life that is.
And writing about the unhappy stuff just makes me think about them even more than I should.
Yet when the lights go off and the silence seeps in,
the thoughts just come back knocking on my door,
so I guess it's just a matter of time I address them properly,
and give closure.
Since Tuesday I haven't been really happy (as you can interpret from my previous post).
What happened was,
I had a quarrel with my mum,
yes I know, again.
Actually,
my mum and I are very much alike in so many ways.
We share similar insecurities,
similar fears,
and of course, temperaments,
which is probably the reason why our arguments always end up so drastic,
because neither of us want to back down and give in.
Now I understand why pride is deemed one of the 7 deadly sins.
So,
each time we have a quarrel,
neither of us would want to take the first step to patching up.
And even if one of us does take that step,
the other wouldn't know how to accept,
and it may lead to a greater misunderstanding.
Actually,
I wouldn't expect anyone to really comprehend what I'm writing here,
because I myself don't exactly get it either.
It's just complicated.
Is it true that I'll only understand my mother once I become a mother myself?
How long will that be?
How long will it take for us to see each other's views?
Because I'm tired of waiting.
Because I'm trying too,
but I guess it's something she'll never see.
These few nights I kept thinking about what Andy said to me the other day;
that we have to learn to be independent,
to rely on no one but our own.
And he said he doesn't need anybody for company.
What does he mean?
I remember a teacher once taught us: "No man is an island".
And I believe we all get lonely sometimes,
and that having someone to rely on is a comforting feeling.
I don't mean to say I cannot survive on my own,
it's just that I like people's company,
is that wrong?
Sometimes when dealing with this brother of mine I can't help but sigh.
Is he going through what I went through 7 years ago?
The stage whereby-how do I put it- we just want to go against people.
And he's a rather dominant person,
in the sense that he wouldn't let you out talk him.
And even at times when he makes no sense in the things he says,
he would make sure you're the speechless one in the conversation.
Was I like that before?
They say "What goes around comes around".
Maybe I deserve everything that's coming back to me now.
Dad said to not take things too hard,
and I know that being the better person is to live and let live.
Building a family unit is never easy,
and it's giving me second thoughts on having one.
There was a time when I decided to write down all the things I don't like in my teenage days,
so that one day when I become a parent myself,
I will bear in mind not to do the same to my kid.
But right now,
as much as I love children,
the thought of having kids frightens me,
I guess it's too early to be saying things like that,
I'll just focus on what's important to me at the moment,
and that would probably be to seek that closure with myself,
as well as my sleep,
which is equally important to me right now,
judging from the time.
I haven't been good lately,
and I'm sorry for the times when I haven't behaved the way I ought to.
I'll be better tomorrow.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And now for the happy thoughts,
in case any of you get the idea that I've been swimming in a sea of misery.
What else could bring me happiness in times like this?
It's funny how something so unrealistic and distant could bring me such joy.
But still,
I'm happy they've become a part of my life,
a dream I can go to at night,
without the burden of the day
-DBSK.
Arrived a gemini with a great deal of divided personalities.
For one thing, I can laugh at one moment and be upset the next.
But Im not the hardest person to get along with, certainly.
I came to be me on 10th June 1991.
Spent the last nighteen years of my life in attempts to piece myself together, and is still desperately trying.
Family and friends are my life.
At least that's the way it is till a boyfriend comes along XD
Anyway, icecream's my addiction, my medicine, my must-have.
Now you know how to make me happy.
I dont need expensive gifts I just want a true heart.
I'm majorly affected by the people around me.
Can't say if it's a blessing or a curse, 'cause the little things people do can either make my day or simply make it worse.
Just give me a smile, and I'll return one to you^^
KimJaeJoong: My Prince, MY Love, MY JAEBABY 