Underneath The Smile, The Pain Resides

THE GIRL

Arrived a gemini with a great deal of divided personalities. For one thing, I can laugh at one moment and be upset the next. But Im not the hardest person to get along with, certainly. I came to be me on 10th June 1991. Spent the last nighteen years of my life in attempts to piece myself together, and is still desperately trying. Family and friends are my life. At least that's the way it is till a boyfriend comes along XD Anyway, icecream's my addiction, my medicine, my must-have. Now you know how to make me happy. I dont need expensive gifts I just want a true heart. I'm majorly affected by the people around me. Can't say if it's a blessing or a curse, 'cause the little things people do can either make my day or simply make it worse. Just give me a smile, and I'll return one to you^^

KimJaeJoong: My Prince, MY Love, MY JAEBABY

LEAVE

2E1`05 4E1`07
NUS NURSING
BUDDY
AIKSONG
BEETENG
BOONYANG
CHUANLIANG
DINGSIAN
CINDY
ERVIN
GUOTING
HONGJIE
HUILI
IRA
JEAN
JINWEN
JINXIAN
JINYI
JOCELYN
JUNRI
KARYAN
KELLIE
LUTING
MADELEINE
MINGHAO
OLIVIA
QIAN
REUBEN
SAMANTHA
SHAWN
SHENN
SHIQI
SHIRLEY
SOOKYING
STELLA
TAOYAN
TOMMY
VANICE
WEIFANG
WEIJIE
WEIXIAN
WENDY
XUANXIN
YANGMENG

DOWN MEMORY LANE

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TALK TO ME

CREDITS

DESIGNER: ice angel

Brushes: aethereality.net

Friday, December 17, 2010

I was hesitating for 10 minutes between switching off the laptop and turn in early or to post this.
As I mentioned the night before,
I had something to say.
And it may not be very pleasant to the ears.
And the reason for my hesitation is that I didn't want this to affect my feelings regarding the previous post.
I was hoping to hold on to them,
to let it occupy my mind, at least till tomorrow,
before I deal with this.
And this, is not a minor problem.
This feeling's been haunting me for a long time now,
and though I try hard not to show it,
it is there, I know.
If you trace back my entries to approximately a month ago,
you would know that I'm having problems with my family.
Yes, this is my problem,
and lately, this problem is getting out of hand.
It's gotten so bad that I can't hide behind the facade and say "Everything's alright" anymore.
To the world, I have a close-knitted happy family,
but no one sees that, to me, there's in fact a huge mess underneath.
Perhaps I've never intended for anyone to see it either,
for ultimately, this is still a family affair.
But I just realize I cannot take it any further.
I just realize that in fact,
I dread to go home.
I dread to see their faces.
I dread to hear their voices.
I just want to retreat to my little corner,
which i also just realize, that i don't have.
I don't have the space that I desire of my own,
and sometimes that is really frustrating.
Okay,
it may sound like I'm having an issue here but these are all personal feelings,
and it's alright if you can't agree with me,
I just need a personal space to vent,
even if it's somewhere in the virtual world like the internet.
As I was saying,
I dread coming back.
And it's gotten so bad that each time I return,
I feel this immense anger that I cannot explain.
There were times when I got so angry that I actually cried.
And I got even angrier at myself for crying.
Sometimes I really think there's something wrong with me.
I think I'm starting to detach myself from this unit, and them, from me.
And I'm beginning to think that it's alright for us to be without each other,
because sometimes being bothered too much can be a bad thing.
I used to be concerned with the feelings of someone, my brother.
He used to be the closest kin I ever have.
Now I am not too sure.
I don't even think I have one now.
It's like each time he makes a comment about something he don't like about the things I do,
I will get all sensitive and paranoid and would tell myself to change.
And whenever we have a quarrel, I will always be the one trying to patch things up.
Sometimes I question myself why do I go to such lengths just to make someone happy,
when he couldn't be more bothered.
Looking back now, I found my efforts unnecessary.
Because I realize I will never be as important to him as he is to me;
Because there will always be more important things;
Because he will always have another sister around;
Because the efforts will ultimately go unappreciated.
And Alicia is another one as well.
She used to be someone I can depend on,
but I guess, not anymore.
And I find myself not wanting to speak to her either.
They make me feel like I am wanted only when I am needed.
If there is no need for my help,
I think there's no need for us to communicate anymore.
I guess the bond's broken.
And this time, I don't know if I have the courage to fix it back.
Or rather, I don't know if I even want to fix it anymore.
Although I haven't had much communication with my parents lately,
I still feel the disappointment whenever I am with them.
It's like a cold bug,
and I haven't got the medication for it.
Sometimes I feel like they're trying to make up for something,
but this time, I really don't feel anything about it.
Perhaps they feel as much disappointment towards me as they are to me,
and I've got a strong feeling that they do.
I must have failed.
at being the good older sister for my siblings,
at being the good daughter for my parents.
It's just difficult, having to live up to people's expectations.
To live life in the pursuit of my own happiness by disregarding the expectations others have for me or to live it meeting their expectations and leaving my happiness out of it?
I honestly don't know.
We were always taught not to be selfish and the latter would seem like the right thing to do.
But humans are, after all, innately selfish beings.
How many Mother Theresas can there be?
19 years into my life and I still don't know how to live.
I must have failed as a person too.
I am so sick of all that's happening,
all the unhappiness I am facing,
and seeing that it makes no difference to them makes me feel even worse.
They can just go on with their lives without a care in the world.
All because right now, I am not needed.

I had not intended it to be this long,
but everything just came to me since I started typing.
And it should be understood that it's just something I feel I need to let it off my chest.

It's probably time to sleep now,
That's the only place I feel comfort in right now- in my sleep.
Anyway,
expect something happy in my next post,
that I guarantee(:
goodnight, and I'm really sorry.

ade jung, will you still be proud of me if you've seen this...?
I don't deserve it anymore

-With All My Heart, Alina ;