Underneath The Smile, The Pain Resides

THE GIRL

Arrived a gemini with a great deal of divided personalities. For one thing, I can laugh at one moment and be upset the next. But Im not the hardest person to get along with, certainly. I came to be me on 10th June 1991. Spent the last nighteen years of my life in attempts to piece myself together, and is still desperately trying. Family and friends are my life. At least that's the way it is till a boyfriend comes along XD Anyway, icecream's my addiction, my medicine, my must-have. Now you know how to make me happy. I dont need expensive gifts I just want a true heart. I'm majorly affected by the people around me. Can't say if it's a blessing or a curse, 'cause the little things people do can either make my day or simply make it worse. Just give me a smile, and I'll return one to you^^

KimJaeJoong: My Prince, MY Love, MY JAEBABY

LEAVE

2E1`05 4E1`07
NUS NURSING
BUDDY
AIKSONG
BEETENG
BOONYANG
CHUANLIANG
DINGSIAN
CINDY
ERVIN
GUOTING
HONGJIE
HUILI
IRA
JEAN
JINWEN
JINXIAN
JINYI
JOCELYN
JUNRI
KARYAN
KELLIE
LUTING
MADELEINE
MINGHAO
OLIVIA
QIAN
REUBEN
SAMANTHA
SHAWN
SHENN
SHIQI
SHIRLEY
SOOKYING
STELLA
TAOYAN
TOMMY
VANICE
WEIFANG
WEIJIE
WEIXIAN
WENDY
XUANXIN
YANGMENG

DOWN MEMORY LANE

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TALK TO ME

CREDITS

DESIGNER: ice angel

Brushes: aethereality.net

Saturday, November 13, 2010

when a family can't even bother coming down to fetch their girl late at night,
you'll know you don't have to count on them for anything else...
that's how i've been feeling tonight,
disappointments.
the day began fairly well,
i was in a pretty good mood for this is the last day of my attachment and i was experiencing a major relief.
no more late nights and early mornings.
no more deprivation of my loves ><
but i must admit that i was just beginning to enjoy the process,
as in observing the procedures performed and gaining deeper insights into the real world of nursing,
no longer protected in our own world,
filled with perceptions and misconceptions.
and the attachment not only brought me closer to the real world of nursing,
but also closer to my mates as well.
some of us started out as strangers but we've now become friends(:
beginning the day together, lunching together and leaving together,
i really hope this feeling continues even after attachment is over.
im glad to have gotten to know more people whom i wasn't really acquainted with before.
and they're all nice people, really(:
anyway after attachment we had our photoshoot back in NUS at NSL.
honestly,
it was quite a waste of time but we did it anyways><
went to jp with the girls, the HP gang, the dingdongs, whatever you call that,
to have dinner.
everywhere was packed and we decided to head to feast to check it out.
seats were hard to come by and we had to stand around to wait for them lol.
by the time we got our seats, it was like 10 minutes later?
and by the time we decided on our food and bought them, it was another 15 minutes later><
in the end,
all 4 of us had steamboat lol.
it was pretty good i must say, and at an affordable price.
the ingredients were worth it too^^
at least the seafood one (which i ate) was.
shared our encounters with the paranormal during dinner and everyone was like kinda spooked.
i don't remember why we went into this subject in the first place though.
but i like listening to these stories,
though i'll freak out afterwards, especially on my way home, alone><
after dinner,
we were to surprise ivy tan with a birthday celebration,
which is supposedly next thursday,
but because we will all be busy mugging next week,
i guess there's hardly any chance for that,
so we decided to celebrate it earlier.
wanted to have it in haagen das at first,
but due to the limited number of seats and overwhelming prices,
we switched to swensens instead.
there, we ordered regular earthquake and placed 19 candles on it.
the funny thing was,
the waiter probably didn't know it was supposed to be a surprise and he actually lighted the candles when he arrived at our table.
and ivy the blur still didn't get what was going on><
i mean it in a good way lol.
at least she was surprised,
although operation surprise ivy tan was abit of a failure.
i think she was surprised and fairly touched for she expressed these emotions via her insanity afterwards.
the photos are not uploaded yet but when they are,
i'll probably post them here(:
loads of unglam shots but more crazy shots lol XD
ahh overall i had a great time^^
what a wonderful way to end off the week,
and especially after a grueling week of attachment:D
ohh and i learnt something new today,
TGIF actually means "Thank God It's Friday"!
ahh they went nuts looking at me figuring it out><
i'll keep that in mind girls.
let's have more TGIFs together^^
ohh and im quite apologetic for not going to the farewell dinner for kevin and jinwen:(
im sorry!!
but i met them on the bus earlier,
and i saw madeleine too!!!
it's so nice to see her and talk to her after so long^^
i realised nothing much has changed and im glad that our friendship stayed that way^^
she was saying how people change once they're not studying together and stuff and how once good friends can become mere "hi-bye" friends due to distance and separation.
i felt quite sad to hear that but still i know it's true.
it's really awkward if things really turn out that way.
i hope things like this don't happen to me.
friends,
even though we may be busy with our own stuff now,
do message, msn, facebook, tweet, whatever, just keep in contact,
cause even though we may not be bounded by class or by workplace,
i still treasure each friendship and i hope we can still chat up whenever we meet each other, be it in the bus, in the mrt or in the mall(:
i need to make time for meet-ups too.
top on my list are my QIAN-ER, ADEJUNG, BUDDY WONG!
im so sorry that i can only be free after 20th dec due to my attachment,
but still,
do find time to see me!^^
recently, qian-er posted on my wall, and i feel that my heart would melt when she said she missed me,
cause i was afraid that things may change,
considering that we don't see each other frequently and it's been like 3 years since sec 4?
so i was pretty happy when she left that message on my wall(:
i cannot tell you how much i wish to go back to the times when we were sec 4,
simply crapping our days away and laming through with you(:
i miss you too!^^
as i was saying,
i met madeleine while waiting for the 242 bus,
we chatted, shared alittle of our lives now and exchanged numbers,
we should hang out one day too haha!XD
and now for the reason im so upset.
i seriosuly think that my relationship with my family is too damn jialat ><
whenever the thread is almost fixed,
it has to be broken again.
i honestly don't know how to carry on living like that.
today for instance,
i called my dad to come down to the busstop to pick me up,
cause it was late and somehow, i just wanted someone to fetch me home.
he said "how long later?"
i told him "about 15-20 minutes"
and he said ok.
about 10 minutes later, he called again from home and asked if i had reached.
i told him i was still waiting for the bus to come and he can come down 10 minutes later.
he said ok again and hung up.
later, when i was almost at my busstop,
he called again from Home and asked if i had reached.
i happily told him that im reaching in 2 stops,
but the next thing he said was "you come up by yourself huhh."
it somehow, shattered my heart.
i still foolishly told myself that he might be just bluffing and that he may appear suddenly at the busstop waiting.
but he wasnt.
i know that for some people,
this is a trival matter and it's childish to be upset about it.
but to me, it's important.
as a daughter i just want to feel cared for.
i just want to know that im still important.
but no, they couldn't even do just that.
it's not the fetching part that i care for,
it's whether or not they bothered to accede to even the simplest request their daughter had.
at that moment,
i knew, i cannot rely on them for long.
one day they'll let go completely and i've got to be ready.
that day is drawing near, i know.
parents always think that their kid longs to be free and are dying to leave.
but never do they realise they're the ones who let go in the first place.
at least for me, that's the way it is.
and nowadays,
whenever my father speaks to me,
it's only "You use laptop use till how long? Faster off lahh."
if not he'll just be reprimanding me for something else.
and about the same goes for my mum.
at times, i feel so alone at home.
there's no one i can really talk to and the only ones i can talk to aren't exactly interested in my life.
andy and alicia are living in their own world now,
and even when i really need to share something,
they wouldn't really listen anyway.
for it's my problem.
and im so afraid of getting hurt by a family member again.
what else can i do but hiding in the room in the middle of the night, tearing, typing.
all i need is a listening ear and a caring soul,
why can't you all do just that?
why...?

-With All My Heart, Alina ;