I had only responded with a "yea, bye",
and never did I once felt guilty about it.
I shove any thought of guilt out of my mind,
convinced that she was just trying to make up for the love she had never given enough to this child.
For a week, it's been this way.
I was expecting her to explode any moment,
to shout at me like she used to,
asking why i was behaving this way.
But no, not this time.
This morning, I was in the worst mood ever.
She asked if I had wanted to go with her to get breakfast at pioneer mall.
I answered ok but halfway along the corridor I suddenly said I wanted to eat at home.
I knew I had just entered danger zone by saying that,
but again, nothing happened.
She said "Ohh, you sure? Ok."
and we walked back.
Again, I felt nothing.
Afterthat we went to JP.
Her, me and dad.
In the bus I suddenly mentioned I would want Andy's room, which is unoccupied as of now because he's sleeping in our room, on the mattress.
Again, I had expected her to explode,
she will never agree.
I was half-right.
She didn't say she agreed,
but she did not explode.
She asked me if there was any problems I was facing and also said that she doesn't want the family to fall apart.
I told her that I don't mean it that way, but in fact, I did feel like isolating myself and a room to myself will be easiest to accomplish that.
We dropped the subject.
I said even less in JP.
But still she came to me, despite the near silent treatment I was giving.
And even till we got home, she was still trying.
I went straight into the room when we got home, not bothering to help out with unpacking the groceries, which is what we'll normally do.
This time, I simply grabbed my notes and went to the room to study.
Later on, she came in.
I don't know why but I felt this burning fury inside me.
She said "Your father still has many days of annual leave to clear. During the holidays he'll take leave and I can get him to vacuum the room and help clean up the place, he said he'll do it. Then you can rearrange the room and do whatever you want with it."
I just said "mm".
She went on to saying, "The curtains quite old already, we can go get new ones, remember that time I told you in NTUC that one?"
I replied, "Ya, k"
"I shall go bath now, don't disturb you studying, later go bath k".
Throughout the conversation I was looking at my notes,
yet not really absorbing what I was reading.
Later I went off to pack the room, the wardrobe, the drawers and stuff.

I cannot say I don't know why I acted the way I did.
Lately, it seems to me that I'm not needed in the family.
They could go on living like normal even without me.
I guess I was jealous about how close Andy and Alicia have been,
that I'm unable to be part of their conversations as I don't play the games they do,
that I'm unable to join them for games because of my limited time due to studying.
And also due to the problems I was facing with my father.
All these, in a way, collided to become this massive ball of anger in me.
And I was blinded,
blinded from the fact that, someone cares, probably a million times more for me than for herself;
that for me she can smile though she's hurting.

Earlier we went to pioneer mall to have dinner,
just me and her, while the others already ate theirs.
As we walked down to pioneer mall,
I held her arm like I always did and apologised.
I said that I haven't been a good girl.
She said she had never felt that way but was only worried about me.
I felt I was the world's most sinful person.
As a mother, there's so much to do, so much to think about, so much so that she often forgets herself.
She has to make sure that her kids get to eat first before feeding herself.
She has to make sure that her kids each has enough to spend before checking her own wallet.
She has to make sure that they have warm water to shower in the morning that she has to wake up in the middle of the night to switch on the heater, every night, for 365 days, it's been that way.
But as a child, all that is expected from you is to be good, to be happy.
I feel that I have failed.

To my Abu, without complaints despite the amount of workload waiting for you everyday; the stress from work, the household chores, the worries you have for the family,
I'm sorry I haven't done enough to ease your burden,
but instead have added more to your already aching shoulders.
I'll be a better daughter.





You raise me up, to more than I can be.